Forgiveness is the first step
by kriskringle
Summary: In which Will learns that forgiveness doesn't mean condoning past behavior.
1. Chapter 1

Begins in but diverges from episode 1x9. In this AU, Nina and Will are dating.

* * *

Nina was a consolation prize. She knew it and he knew it, but maybe it didn't matter. Maybe good sex and an intimacy that didn't exist beyond the bedroom was enough. Who cared if Will was only with her by default? She was the one he went home with most nights.

She wasn't an idiot – she knew he loved MacKenzie, was probably still in love with her, no matter how much he denied it. She heard it in the voicemail she'd deleted (not that Will knew about _that_). She saw it whenever she went to pick him up after the show, when he'd glance down at his shoes to avoid seeing the hurt in MacKenzie's eyes - the kind that couldn't be concealed behind her too-wide smile. Then MacKenzie took to having her dates meet _her_ in the bullpen, and Will's lips would tighten into a thin line and he'd stand there, blinking, looking like he was about to cry. What Nina didn't know was that Will cared about Nina, maybe more than he'd cared for any woman since MacKenzie. Not in the same way, of course – it could never be the same.

Professionally, MacKenzie was the best EP he'd ever had. He loved her relentless idealism and absolute certitude when it came to choosing stories for their newscast. He loved the way she wasn't afraid to stand up to him and that she didn't hesitate to get right in his personal space to prove her point. He loved the fact that she was so damned _smart_, the only EP he'd ever trusted to write or edit his scripts. The only thing he didn't love was his undiminished attraction to her, so strong even now that all it took to banish Nina completely from his thoughts was a glimpse of Mac's lopsided grin.

He'd look at her and she would smile, her eyes crinkling in that adorable way that made his heart leap. She tried to hide the love in her eyes and she was better at it than she knew because he had no idea how she felt about him – not really. He assumed (especially after she didn't return his voicemail) that he was the only one who felt that current of electricity when they locked eyes, the only one who was transported back to a time when she would have cemented their greeting with a kiss. In those days she'd try to keep it professional but eventually he'd put his hand on her hip and draw her near, gazing at her with such intensity she couldn't help melting into him. They'd stay that way until the noise from the bullpen gradually invaded their senses and she would pull back, smiling up at him.

These days he'd catch himself staring at her lips – they were so red and soft and so fucking sweet (he remembered that much). And the way she used to lean into him - so soft, so pliable – not at all the way she was in the control room. No, in bed she'd often let him take the lead. She told him once that nothing made her feel more fulfilled than having him inside her, of feeling every one of his 180 pounds pressing her down into the mattress (or against the wall, or into the coffee table) as he rained kisses down her neck and brought her to a massive, quivering crescendo that left her an incoherent mess. More than once in the recent past he'd had to jab himself with a paper clip to keep those thoughts from taking over.

_Why the fuck did she have to ruin it?_ They'd probably be married by now, maybe even have a couple of kids. She'd been in love with him once – she'd told him that the first week she'd been back. If she hadn't fucked things up, and he'd never given her the chance to fall _out _of it he'd be able to take her home and _act_ on the desire that flooded his body every time he heard her voice in his ear. He tried not to allow his conscious mind to go there but goddamn it if his body didn't know what she did to him.

Despite his physical attraction, he'd managed to convince himself he was not _in love _with her; that ship had sailed and good riddance to it because he didn't need that shit. He was _over_ it, goddammit but he couldn't deny the fact that the whole sordid, fucked up debacle still enraged him. She'd betrayed him and he _could. not. _forgive her. It simply wasn't within his power. He knew he ought to, that they'd both feel better for it, but he couldn't. He just _couldn't_. He wouldn't be _that _guy – the one who would put up with any amount of shit just because he didn't want to be alone. His mother had done that, and look what that got her: a mouth full of broken teeth and more concussions than a football player. He would _not_ be that guy. Forgiving MacKenzie would be to condone what she'd done. More than that, it would be a betrayal of his deepest self. Intellectually he knew she regretted it, that she would do _anything_ to take it back, but she couldn't, and that put him in an impossible position. He hated her for it - for backing him into a corner, for leaving him no choice but to reject her.

Of course somewhere deep inside he knew he loved her as much – even more - than he hated her, but his conscious mind guarded that secret like gold doubloons. It was only when the lights were out that all was revealed: no matter how many cups of warm milk he drank before bed, no matter how many extra-strength melatonin capsules he choked on, no matter how many evenings he wore himself out with Nina, he couldn't stop dreaming about MacKenzie. In one recurring nightmare he found himself in a war zone, running up and down dirt-covered streets searching for her, all the while screaming her name. Her fellow reporters knew where she was but no one would tell him, no matter how many times he begged or pleaded. Then somehow her location would be revealed and the dream would end when he started pounding on a plywood-covered door (or an iron gate covering dusty windows or some other impenetrable barrier) until his knuckles bled, crying out for her. He knew she was in there, listening, and he thought that if he could just have one minute to look into her eyes he could make her see how much he needed her. He'd awaken with MacKenzie's name on his lips, even as Nina lay snuggled against him. He tried not to think about what that might mean.

OK, so maybe there _was _some kind of weird disconnect between his conscious mind and his subconscious, but fuck it - he was not the forgiving type. _He would not be._

He usually managed to keep a lid on it throughout the day but the anger would build and at some point, usually when he was tired, he would have to let it out. Kissing her senseless would have done the trick, but he couldn't do _that_. Instead, he would make some sarcastic rejoinder to an innocuous question, letting her know in no uncertain terms that she had_ not_ been forgiven. The staff would look uncomfortable, her eyes would flash in anger, and then she would gulp and he would watch, fascinated, as she took the hurt upon herself like a mantle, a fucking _hair shirt _- as if she deserved the bullshit he couldn't stop heaping on her. He often wished she would just tell him to fuck off, to stop being such a prick - but she never did. They'd be careful with one another the rest of the evening, eventually saying a tense goodbye, with the unspoken agreement that they would try again tomorrow. Then he'd meet up with Nina and go through the motions, pretending that 'good enough' actually was.

Brian's presence added a whole new dimension to their dysfunction. Yes, it served its purpose but it didn't take long for Will to discover (again) that hurting MacKenzie meant hurting himself too. How could he reconcile the decent – yes, _noble_ man he'd always thought himself to be with the petty, vindictive asshole who hurt her just because he could? He hated seeing Brian stand just a little bit closer to MacKenzie than could be considered professional, the way he'd brush against her under the guise of showing her something in his notebook. Will didn't think MacKenzie was interested in that asshole (and he'd definitely been looking for signs) but then again, he couldn't read her like he used to. She'd grown wary of him in the years they'd been apart, worried about upsetting the delicate peace between them that had to be re-forged every day.

Then something happened that showed Will how wrong he'd been. It wasn't enough – this game he and Nina were playing. It _did_ matter and Nina too discovered she'd been a fool – a grade A, fucking moron. Here was a man who was desperately in love but it wasn't with her, even if she was the one he was going to go home with. Scratch that. She was never going to go home with him again - her pride wouldn't allow it. But she stayed, if only because Will was letting her hold his hand. It hung limply, but at least he didn't try to wrench it away.

They were all there - the News Night staff plus Charlie, Elliot, Don and Jack (the political panelist MacKenzie had been seeing) - huddled in a hospital waiting room, devastated into silence. Even MacKenzie's stupid ex-boyfriend was there, the one destined to be the joke of the newsroom: _She cheated on Will with _him_? _Occasionally Nina would catch Brian looking at Will, sizing him up, trying to work out the enigma that was Will. Truth be told, Will had surprised Brian. Somehow he'd assumed they were on the same team but he'd been wrong to think Will's feelings for MacKenzie ended at fury. That night, the manhole cover Will welded shut four years ago exploded and his feelings were on display for all to see. He'd mostly been silent since they'd arrived at the hospital, but every now and then Brian would observe him angrily brushing a tear from his cheek, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, rocking slightly back and forth, lips moving in silent prayer.


	2. Chapter 2

_One month earlier_

It was a slow news day so MacKenzie thought she'd take a chance and ask Will out for lunch. She'd caught him staring at her the day before with a look in his eyes she hadn't seen in years (well, except in her dreams). That led to a drunken night out with Sloan in which she wondered aloud if maybe the permafrost covering the landscape of their relationship had begun to thaw. But evidently she'd miscalculated because Will barely looked at her when she extended the invitation. 'Nina's coming by – we're eating upstairs,' he'd answered, shrugging.

'Oh,' MacKenzie said. _Stupid me_, she thought dejectedly. She didn't answer right away, unable to think of anything even remotely appropriate to say as she rocked back on her heels. She'd gotten used to responding the way friends were supposed to respond in these situations - 'Oh, that's nice. Have a good time' - but for some reason that skill eluded her today. Maybe she should just walk away – no, that would be too obvious and besides, he didn't need to know how wounded she was - she still had her pride (a bit of it anyway). What she needed was a quick-witted comeback. Yes, that was it: something to throw him off the track and keep the rising tide of bitterness in her stomach where it belonged. But nothing came. Maybe it was because she'd been having trouble sleeping. Maybe it was because she'd had both her ex-boyfriends looking over her shoulder for the last few days. Or maybe it was because she'd spent the last four years forcing her feelings into a corset, never once loosening the stays. More likely it was because she'd recently allowed her fevered imagination to convince herself that she and Will had turned a corner. They were more civil to one another these days – they'd even shared a few nice moments. She hadn't seen Nina recently and _she'd_ _actually convinced herself they must have broken up. _

To find out they hadn't – well, her resolution to behave collegially crumbled and she felt her shoulders sag. It was all too much. It wasn't just that Nina had threatened to write a career-ending article about MacKenzie, though that was certainly part of it. It was the death of hope: if Nina and Will were still together, he must have developed actual _feelings_ for her. Which meant she herself was now condemned to a life of torment watching the man she loved get farther and farther away from her. Suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe.

She kept her head down as the tears threatened to spill over. She was just so tired of the whole charade – of having to muzzle that huge part of herself that just wanted _him_, the part that was bereft and in so much pain from being ignored and shoved to the side that it had grown to enormous proportions and clamoured for release every time she spoke to Will on any subject: the weather, natural disasters, which tie he should wear with his shirt. Imagine how good their show would be if 50% of her energy wasn't tied up in trying to mask her feelings? And now she couldn't remember what she was supposed to say - couldn't find an appropriate response in her well-worn mental copy of the 'Coping with Unrequited Love' playbook. Where the fuck was the entry for 'When the man you love has a date with another woman' when you needed it? She couldn't find the words – not when what she was supposed to say was the polar opposite of what she _wanted_ to say, which was, 'Why the fuck are you with her when you belong with _me_?'.

_God, this hurts._ _I'm so tired of this_, she said to herself, and then clapped her hand over her mouth when she realized she'd said it aloud.

Will's eyes narrowed and he looked at her curiously.

'What hurts? Are you okay? What are you tired of? '

'Nothing,' she said quickly, not looking at him. 'Everything. It doesn't matter. Enjoy your lunch.' Ah, there it was. She turned to walk away, but he put a hand on each shoulder and gently turned her to face him. She couldn't help thinking this was the closest he'd been to her in months. It made her dizzy and it took everything she had not to bury her face in his chest. She could smell his soap, the faint smell of cigarettes.

'It matters, MacKenzie,' he said softly. Despite his steadfast commitment to blowing her off he did care and he did want to know. 'What are you tired of?'

She could feel the pulse in her temple. His eyes were so blue and when he looked at her like that she thought she could almost see what she wanted to see._ Why does he have to be so goddamned beautiful? _ For so long she had steeled herself against any thought of them having a relationship outside the office but recently she'd caught herself daydreaming about what it would be like to touch him again, how his lips used to feel pressed against hers, the way he'd nuzzle her ear as he whispered he loved her and only her. The truth was, she'd spent every moment of the last four years missing him, even when he was only 30 feet away. Knowing she could never have him again was so fucking painful. Why couldn't her heart let him go?

'I can't – I - just – '

'Tell me,' he insisted. 'What hurts? What are you tired of?'

She sighed and tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. How were they having this conversation? She should have kept her mouth shut. But he was standing there, looking at her with concern, and he did ask. _Maybe it wouldn't hurt to tell him – just a little. Maybe if he knew – no. What good would it do for him to know? _

She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it, obviously thinking better of it.

'Tell me,' he said fiercely, staring into her eyes.

She wrapped her arms around herself and looked at her feet.

'The incongruity, I guess – the dissonance,' she whispered. 'Between what I feel and what I'm _supposed_ to feel.'

She swung her eyes up to gauge his reaction. His expression registered surprise, but he remained silent, wanting to hear what else she had to say. Emboldened, she went on. 'Between what I'm supposed to say and what I _want_ to say. Look, it's nothing you can help me with,' she said quickly, looking away again. 'I don't have any right to these feelings…but they're there,' she said, so softly he could barely hear her, 'and sometimes it feels like they weigh about a thousand pounds.' She shook her head, embarrassed, and turned away before he could respond. 'I'll see you at the rundown meeting,' she said, and walked away.

Still absorbing the weight of her words, he watched her go. _Could she possibly mean what he thought she meant? _No – otherwise, she would have returned his call. _What the fuck is she talking about? _He didn't know so he tried to put it out of his mind. Maybe he was better off not knowing.


	3. Chapter 3

That week, Jack Moll moved to New York. He was smart, quick on his feet, and could go toe to toe with Will on just about any political subject. He'd become a regular fixture on News Night, their go-to guy for the Democratic point of view. He'd started out sitting on the DC panel but now he was on set with Will at least once a week. After the broadcast one night, Will turned to Jack and shook his hand.

'Good show,' he told the younger man.

'You too,' Jack said.

Will heard the telltale buzzing of a Blackberry and watched as Jack felt around in his pocket. He pulled it out and smiled at what he saw. Looking up, he stared in the direction of the control room, eyebrows raised.

Turning back to Will, he said, 'Have a good weekend. See you next time.'

Will nodded and stayed a moment to gather his papers. He dropped his pen, bent down to pick it up and froze when he heard MacKenzie's voice in his ear. She'd forgotten to turn off her mic pack.

'Hey you. Good show.'

'Thanks. You ready to go?' Will heard Jack say.

'Almost – just need to make a few notes. Do you mind waiting a couple of minutes?'

'No. Gives me a chance to admire the view. Has anyone ever told you you have a perfect profile?'

_Yes, _MacKenzie thought. _Will._ But aloud she only laughed.

'You're a shameless flatterer, you know that?'

'It's not flattery. It's sincere appreciation. There's a difference.'

'I stand corrected. Thank you.'

'You're welcome. I made reservations at that place on 3rd again – is that okay?' Will heard Jack say.

_Jesus_, Will thought. _MacKenzie and Jack. How did I miss that?_

'You want to steal some more of my oysters, is that it?' MacKenzie said.

'You're the one who ate most of my dessert.'

'Not there, I didn't. You're thinking of the restaurant on 47th, and that cheesecake was delicious. I didn't eat most of it – I just had a couple of – '

'Enormous – ' Jack interjected.

'Bites,' MacKenzie finished.

'If dessert's on your mind,' Jack said, 'We can go back to that place we went after the show the other night.'

'Let's just keep the reservations you made. I don't mind.'

'OK, but I'm ordering two plates of oysters and two desserts.'

'It's a deal.'

As Jack watched her making notes he abruptly switched gears. 'So….you and Will...'

MacKenzie looked up, startled. She raised an eyebrow and looked at him questioningly. 'What about us?'

They'd been out a few times but hadn't discussed Will yet – she was hoping Jack hadn't heard about the infamous e-mail.

'You were together.'

'Yes,' she said evenly. 'And we had a rather spectacular breakup.' She turned her attention back to her notes.

Jack very much wanted to get this right. He liked MacKenzie – a _lot _- but he wasn't about to step on Will _fucking_ McAvoy's toes. 'So…it's all over?' he pushed.

MacKenzie sighed. 'We're partners – professionally. That's it.' She shrugged. 'Besides, he's seeing someone.'

'That doesn't answer my question,' he said. 'Or maybe it does.'

She smiled – a little sadly he thought. 'Look - yes, we were together and yes, I broke his heart and he hasn't forgiven me but we've both moved on.'

'Must make for some awkward moments.'

'Sometimes,' she admitted.

'How do you deal with it?'

'It's not really an issue anymore. He's got his life and I've got mine.'

Jack's voice suddenly got louder so Will realized he must have gotten very close to MacKenzie. He tried not to imagine how close.

'Okay,' Jack said, lifting her chin with his finger. 'That's the party line but what's the _real _story?' He smiled. He was enjoying this.

She smiled cheekily and took a step backward. 'Aren't you breaking some kind of guy code asking these questions?'

'I've got three sisters. I know all about subtext.'

'The real story is that he's seeing someone and I'm trying to move on with my life.'

'So if he wasn't seeing someone you wouldn't be trying to move on with your life.'

'Listen, Jack. I'm not – I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. The Will I fell in love with – well, I haven't seen him in a long time. The man I loved wouldn't have invited my ex-boyfriend into our newsroom or - .'

'…treated you like shit every other day? Sorry – I've heard him ream you out a couple of times.'

That got to Will. Had he really been treating her that badly? He knew he'd let loose with a few barbed comments but it was nothing MacKenzie couldn't handle - she could handle him like no one else ever had. OK, he'd been a dick bringing Brian in but other than that he didn't think he'd been _that _bad.

'Yes. But maybe that's what I did to him.'

'Maybe it is,' Will said defensively into her ear. She jumped at the sound of his voice. _Shit. _She turned to face the monitor. He was looking in the direction of the control room and even though she knew he couldn't see her, the fact that he had been listening in was more than a little disconcerting.

'Eavesdropping, Will? Really?'

Will's voice echoed through the control room. 'Kinda hard to avoid when you're talking in my ear.'

Jack's eyes grew wide.

'And yet you didn't say anything.'

'What can I say? It was an interesting conversation.'

'Goodnight, Will.'

'MacKenzie – wait.'

'What?'

'I'm sorry,' he blurted out. He barely knew what he was saying but he couldn't stand the thought of her thinking he'd been cruel.

'For what?'

'What you said before – for bringing Brian in. Treating you like crap. I don't mean to – that's no excuse but I just – I'm sorry.'

'I know,' she said.

'Have a good weekend,' he said softly, feeling the tears prick at his eyes. Why the fuck was he so emotional? Because she didn't love him anymore and he couldn't forgive her and she was probably going to sleep with Jack tonight (if she wasn't already sleeping with him), maybe even fall in love with him and there was nothing he could do about it.

'You too,' she said quietly and switched off the mic.

Will had an overwhelming desire to beg her not to go.

'Well, that was awkward,' Jack said when they made it outside to hail a cab.

'He shouldn't have been eavesdropping. He deserves what he got.'

'You're not bothered by it?

'No,' she lied. Actually, her heart ached. She knew why he'd looked so melancholy, but there was nothing she could do about it. She had to get on with her life.

'It must be hard trying to get over someone you work with every day. Why do you stay?'

'Because I get to do the show I want with the anchor I want to do it with - Casey Anthony and Anthony Weiner not withstanding.'

'OK, but do you ever ask yourself why?'

'Every day.'

He placed his hand gently on her elbow and helped her into the cab.

Will gave MacKenzie and Jack enough time to leave and headed out to the newsroom. Looking up, he saw that Sloan's light was still on, so without knowing why, exactly, he ascended the stairs. She was gathering her things and looked up as Will stood awkwardly outside the door.

'Hey,' she said, waving him in.

'Hey,' he said, leaning against the doorframe. 'What do you think of Jack?' he blurted out.

Sloan stopped putting papers in her briefcase and gave him her full attention. She could guess what this was about.

'He seems like a good guy,' she said slowly. 'Why do you ask?'

'Is she in love with him?' he said forcefully, grimacing, as if saying the words physically pained him.

'Who?'

'Jesus, Sloan. _Mac._ Who do you think?'

'They've been out a few times,' she said nonchalantly. 'I know he really likes her,' she couldn't resist adding. MacKenzie was her friend first and if turning the knife a bit gave him the push he needed, well, she'd done her job.

'What about her? Does she really like him?'

Sloan's eyes narrowed suspiciously. 'Why don't you ask her?'

'I can't – that's why I'm asking you.'

'Did you and Nina break up?' Sloan asked, hand on hip.

'No – can you please just answer the question?'

'Not until you tell me why you want to know.'

'I don't know - I just do.'

'Sorry - not good enough.'

'Sloan – come on.'

'Look, Will - I know she hurt you but you hurt her, too. And if you can't forgive her, you need to let her go. She deserves to be with someone who treats her well.'

Obviously Sloan thought he hadn't been doing that.

'So she's not in love with him.'

'How did you get that from what I just said?'

'Because if she was, you'd be giving me a pity hug.'

'Cut the crap, Will. Do you love her?'

'No!' he said, a little too quickly. 'I mean, I did – but not … anymore.'

Sloan picked up her briefcase and set it on her desk. 'Then let her go. Give her the chance to be happy.'

'You think I don't want her to be happy?'

'I think you don't want her to be happy with anyone but you. Which isn't fair, by the way.'

'I do want her to be happy. Just because I can't -'

'Forgive her?'

He nodded. 'It doesn't mean I don't want her to be happy. What kind of a dick would I be to begrudge her happiness?'

'The kind who's still in love with her but is too emotionally constipated to do anything about it.'

'I just told you I'm not!'

Sloan laughed. 'Just keep telling yourself that, big brother – and maybe one day it'll come true. Have a good weekend.'

She picked up her briefcase and headed downstairs. Will watched her go, alone with his thoughts. He anticipated a very drunk weekend.

At the restaurant, MacKenzie couldn't help wondering what must have been going through Will's mind when he heard her talking to Jack. She was relieved he knew they were seeing each other – at least it was out in the open. Less clear were her feelings for the man across the table. He was handsome and funny and on the right side politically and although she was attracted to him, she just didn't feel the kind of magnetic pull she'd felt from Will - even in their earliest days. Of course nowadays it was a different story so she'd readily accepted Jack's dinner invitation his first week in the city. They'd had a few flirtatious conversations previously via satellite from DC and she was admittedly curious about this man who could give Will a run for his money. Although she felt increasingly comfortable around him she wasn't quite ready to take it to the next level. She was wounded and exhausted and her attraction to Jack didn't give her the adrenaline rush necessary to overcome her inertia. _But maybe it will come_, she told herself. God knows she hadn't been that sure of Will at the start but even then she'd felt something more – something nameless that had drawn them inexorably together. That pull had terrified her, made her raise both fists against it, which was the reason she'd cheated on him.

Jack had kissed her the last time they'd been out. She'd met his lips curiously – almost dispassionately and despite a promise to herself that she would never compare the two men, she couldn't help comparing Jack's kiss to Will's. Jack's was playful and tentative while Will's had always been full of barely restrained hunger - even after they'd been together for ages. Even so, kissing Jack was a lot more exciting than kissing Wade, which was like connecting to a dead battery. She knew she'd have to decide soon just how far she was willing to take this dalliance but at the moment it could go either way. In some ways Jack was a like a balm for her broken heart – no expectations, just a good time, but for some reason that only increased her anxiety.

Over the next few weeks they saw each other sporadically. They shared a few more kisses but MacKenzie's heart wasn't in it and Jack could tell. Will didn't know that, though; all he knew was that she and Jack were still seeing each other and every time he saw them together it was another punch to the gut.


	4. Chapter 4

MacKenzie was genuinely disappointed. She'd been hoping something – anything - would materialize that allowed her to give Jack a real chance, but nothing did. The truth was, she was still in love with Will and so long as she saw him every day, she always would be. Maybe it was time to look for another job. She'd hate leaving her team, but she didn't know how much longer she could stand the heartache. Then again, exiling herself to Afghanistan for three years had done nothing to diminish her feelings for him so maybe it _was_ actually hopeless and she should just accept the fact that she was destined to live her life without love. Maybe growing into a wizened old woman with a dozen cats wouldn't be so bad - she could invite Sloan over and they could spend their golden years together, swearing at the television and bemoaning the state of broadcast news.

One day, when she and Jack had been seeing each other for a few weeks, Nina arrived for a lunch date with Will. He was talking to Charlie, so she waited tentatively outside the door. Charlie said hello after Will waved her in but Nina got the feeling Charlie wasn't thrilled to see her. She could only guess why but then again, her guesses were usually pretty much on mark.

Suddenly someone yelled Will's name. Will looked around, puzzled, and they heard a staccato _pop pop pop _that only Charlie seemed to recognize. The next thing Will knew, he and Nina were on the ground and being shoved under Will's desk. _Get down – get down! _Charlie crawled to the door and locked it, moving faster than Nina would have thought possible for a man his age, especially one who was crawling. Then he joined them under the desk, yanked a cell phone out of his pocket and called security.

'What the fuck are you doing, Charlie? The _staff's_ out there! Unlock the door so we can get 'em inside!' Will tried to crawl over Nina but she dug her nails into his arm, holding him back as Charlie grabbed him by the collar. 'Stay _back_, you idiot!' he hissed. 'I only saw Don and that asshole you've been torturing MacKenzie with when I came in. The rest of 'em are at Millie's birthday party.' Charlie said.

'Charlie, if they've been shot, they need _help_.'

'Use your fucking head, William! Unless you're a doctor or a member of a SWAT team, there's nothing you can do, so sit your ass down and be quiet! Security's on its way.' He released his grip and Will pressed his nose against the glass. Charlie had turned the light out so that plus an overcast day meant Will was able to peer out undetected. As he surveyed the newsroom, Charlie whispered into his ear. 'Is Mac at the party?'

_Was that whisper for _my_ benefit? _Nina thought. _It didn't work because I _heard_ you_.

Will didn't turn around. 'She's running an errand, thank God. I hope to Christ she doesn't come back any time soon.'

Charlie breathed a sigh of relief. 'Even if she does they won't let her back up. I'm sure the building's on lockdown by now.'

Nina was silent, trying to remain calm and ignore the fact that she was being shot at. The fact that she was also on her knees under a desk with her boyfriend, her boyfriend's boss and the ghost of Will's ex-girlfriend didn't do much to improve her mood.

Will couldn't see anyone lying on the floor, but there were pockets of the room he couldn't see. Still, the room looked empty, so he tried to be optimistic. The shooter was young, maybe 25, dressed in army fatigues and waving a pistol. _Good thing it's not an Uzi_, Charlie thought. The man was looking around, confused, searching for something.

When he caught sight of Will's name on his office, he started to move forward.

_Guess he can read,_ Charlie thought sardonically.

'McAvoy, come out here, you coward!' the man screamed.

Will's mind moved in slow motion and he wondered stupidly if a voice he heard keening in terror was Maggie's.

He watched in horror as Neal exited the kitchen a few feet behind the gunman, clutching a fire extinguisher. Will opened his mouth to shout a warning but Charlie clamped his hand over his mouth. 'Jesus _- _we really need to put you through basic training!' he hissed. 'You do _not_ want to call attention to Neal!'

'OK,' Will said against Charlie's hand. Charlie squeezed Will's shoulder to emphasize his point and slowly let his hand fall to his side. Will turned back to the glass and watched as Neal tried to make sense of the scene in front of him. He glanced down at his feet and saw Maggie, Tess and Don huddled beneath a desk. Martin was on his knees beneath another one, his finger over his lips. Suddenly Neal was grateful he'd never figured out how to work the microwave: if he'd pressed 2 minutes instead of 20 for that popcorn, he wouldn't be carrying an empty fire extinguisher. He gathered his courage, tried not to think of what might happen if he missed and stepped forward as quietly as he could. Then he lifted the fire extinguisher and smashed it down on the man's head. The man dropped the gun and fell on his ass, stunned. As he reached for the gun Jim appeared out of nowhere and kicked it across the bullpen.

The room erupted into chaos. Don got to his feet and stomped on the gunman's wrist to make sure he couldn't reach for anything else. That was when Tess saw her chance. _Neutralize the threat_, she told herself. She ran over to Don and extended an index finger into a hard point. _This is a weapon._ Then she bent down and poked him in the eye as hard as she could, grateful for the Krav Maga course her mother had forced her into. The man screamed in outrage and tried to get up but as he did, she kicked him in the balls. He fell back to the ground, groaning.

'Nicely played,' Don said admiringly.

'Thanks.'

Tess looked up to see Will barreling across the room. He'd used all his strength to wrest himself from Charlie's grasp and though he was late to the party he scanned the room for anything he could use to help subdue the man. Spotting a hand weight on Martin's desk, he grabbed it and slammed it into the perpetrator's head, knocking him unconscious.

Jim grabbed Will's arm. 'Mac. Have you seen Mac?'

'She's running an errand, thank God. Everybody okay?' Will said, scanning the room.

Jim heaved a sigh of relief and slung his arm around Maggie, who was shaking and staring off towards the control room. 'Great job, everybody,' Will said to his staff. 'You're a helluva team,' he said. He turned to Neal and clapped him on the shoulder. 'Sampat, the fire extinguisher was genius. _Genius._ And Tess – that eye poke? _Outstanding_.'

Then Maggie started screaming again. Will whirled around and looked to where she was pointing. He saw legs in a pencil skirt splayed awkwardly behind a post, blood pooling beneath a torso. How had he missed her? _MacKenzie_.

He screamed then, a guttural sound that started in the pit of his stomach and exploded as a strangled cry.

_'Mac! No – oh God, no!'_

He stumbled towards her, surprised to feel tears already streaming down his face. 'Call an ambulance!' he screamed to no one in particular.


	5. Chapter 5

MacKenzie lay on her back, legs pinned awkwardly beneath her. She wore a single high heel; the other lay on its side, a couple of feet away. Her eyes were closed, her breathing rapid and shallow. She hadn't seen what hit her but she'd heard someone yell, 'He's got a gun!' before she fell behind a pillar that hid her from view. As she went down she felt a piercing pain in her abdomen. It occurred to her that being shot was like being hit with a cue stick by an Olympic weightlifter. She could hear someone shouting in the distance. She tried to call out for Will – _God, please let him be okay _- but she couldn't move her jaw or use her tongue to form the words; except for the burning pain under her ribcage, her body was frozen.

Jack, who had been in the control room, reached her first. 'MacKenzie, can you hear me?' he said gently, taking her hand. She forced herself to open her eyes and saw that his were filled with tenderness and concern, but they weren't the eyes she needed to see.

'_Will._' MacKenzie finally managed to get out. She clutched Jack's hand. 'Is he -?'

'He's fine, Mac. He's on his way.'

_Thank God._ She was unbelievably tired so she let her eyes close again.

Finally, Will was there. He dropped down beside her, kneeling in the blood seeping from beneath her. She opened her eyes, so relieved to see he was okay. Tears were streaming down his face but she was breathing and conscious and he was dizzy with relief.

'_Mac._ Thank God.'

Jack instinctively let go of her hand and Will grabbed it gently, bringing it up to kiss her fingers. 'Just hang on, Sweetheart. You're going to be okay.'

Charlie headed over to where Mac lay. Bile rose in his throat when he saw all the blood and he prayed the ambulance would get there in time.

Still staring at MacKenzie, Will yelled, 'Did somebody call a fucking ambulance!?' Her face was twisted in pain, her eyes screwed shut again.

'They're on their way,' he heard Charlie say behind him. The staff gathered around MacKenzie, Will and Jack, unsure of what to do.

MacKenzie opened her eyes and saw Brian, who was back in the newsroom for a couple of days, drop down next to Will.

MacKenzie struggled to stay alert. _Was anyone else hurt? _'Is everyone –'

'Everyone's fine. Don't worry.' Will brushed the hair back from her forehead and she sighed. He was so close to her she could smell his soap.

Suddenly it felt like someone was sitting on her chest. _Shit. _She opened her mouth and tried to take in air but now her lungs were frozen too. She looked around wildly, clutching Will's hand, her mouth opening and closing ineffectually.

'Look at me, MacKenzie,' Will commanded, recognizing the beginnings of a panic attack. She'd have them every once in a while when they were together and he was the only person who'd ever been able to talk her down. Brian had never known what to do and apparently nothing had changed because he sat there, inert and bewildered.

'Deep breaths, Kenz. Slow and steady. You can do this.'

Despite her predicament, her eyes widened in surprise when she heard the old endearment. Will hadn't called her that in years. They locked eyes and he started taking deep, even breaths. Instinctively, she fell into the same rhythm. 'That's it, honey. You got it.'

'Don't move her,' Jim commanded as he dropped down beside her knees, first aid kit in hand. He took out a large bandage.

'What can I do?' Will asked Jim.

Jim stared at him, something in his eyes Will didn't recognize. 'Keep her conscious.'

She had her breath back, but she was tired and Will seemed so far away.

'Billy – ' Mac groaned as Jim carefully pulled her blouse from her skirt, exposing her abdomen. The bullet hole was small but blood was pouring from it, a thick red rivulet against creamy white skin. Will and Brian stared at the scar from the knife wound. It hadn't healed properly – she'd been up and around too early – so the edges were raised and angry looking. The scar itself was jagged. _Did the knife have a serrated edge? Jesus, that must have hurt, _Will thought and his heart broke all over again. Jim gently laid the bandage under her ribcage. She moaned again, grimacing in pain.

'Hang on, Mac,' Will soothed. 'Stay with me. I know it hurts but the paramedics will be here soon. You're going to be okay.'

_She has to be okay. Jesus Christ – I can't lose her again. _

Now that she had her breath back other things began to percolate and if she could get her fucking mouth to work again she thought she should tell Will that being shot was more painful than being stabbed and that he should write that down. They were preparing a segment on gun control and if the bullet working its way inside her was a .223 - the cop-killer variety – she wanted him to be sure to mention that it _hurt like hell_. It was so fucking painful she thought she must be dying.

_Shit._ _If I'm dying, I need to tell him._ The problem was that she was exhausted - beyond weary. She'd had at least six cups of coffee in the last four hours but she didn't know how much longer she could keep her eyes open, let alone muster enough energy to confess her deepest feelings in front of a crowd.

_Just say it._ _It won't be the first time you've humiliated yourself, _she thought ruefully, remembering the mass e-mail. _ Then again, what's the goddamned point? If I die he'll just feel bad about not returning my feelings but if I live…_ what? _What?_ She felt guilty saying what she needed to say in front of Jack (Brian could go fuck himself), but it couldn't be helped. Maybe this was the universe telling her it was time to make a move. On the off chance it was, she opened her eyes and squeezed Will's hand.

'Billy,' she said. He shifted his gaze to hers from Jim, who was putting tape around the bandage. 'I need to tell you – in case I don't – '

'Don't say that, Mac. You're going to be _fine_.'

She stared at him for a moment and closed her eyes again, trying to marshal her courage. She opened her eyes, stared into his and spoke as clearly as she could.

'Listen to me. Just – _listen_,' she insisted, grimacing in pain. 'I need to tell you – that - I love - you. So much.' She gasped as a wave of pain washed over her but she pushed through. 'I -never - stopped.'

There. It was out.


	6. Chapter 6

Will's jaw dropped, facial muscles frozen as he looked at MacKenzie in stunned disbelief. It was probably just the blood loss but when she looked into his eyes it was as if someone had drawn back the curtain and everything she'd ever hoped he still felt for her was right there.

_She loves me? Even now? Then why didn't she answer – ? _It didn't matter. _Shit._ She looked so small, so delicate with the blood pooling beneath her. He was kneeling in it, his hand was fucking covered in it. _How could anyone survive losing that much blood?_ She was deathly pale – how had she lost so much color so quickly? _Where the fuck is that ambulance? _

It came to him then, the epiphany his conscious mind had been guarding so fiercely. She wasn't his father and he wasn't his mother. Yes, MacKenzie had betrayed him. She'd torn his heart out and ripped it to shreds, but the decision she'd made, to cheat on him, had been born of fear and immaturity, not malice. She'd made a mistake. A terrible, stupid _mistake_. Like he had when he chose to bring Brian in, to buy that ring, to rub Nina in her face. The difference was, he _had_ acted out of malice. And yet, was that all he was? Was it fair to judge his entire life, his worth, his trustworthiness as a _person_ on the merits of those actions alone? God, he hoped not. _But that's what he'd done to her. _For the first time it occurred to him that maybe _he_ was the one who needed forgiveness. Which meant he had a choice to make. He could hang on to the past or put it behind him. For a moment, he wavered. What was more important? The past, or a future with her by his side? His heart knew the answer: _Fuck the past_, it screamed. The only thing that mattered was right now, right this minute – the feeling of her cheek under his fingers and the love he saw shining in her eyes. He loved her. _He loved her._ Past, present and future tense. _Please don't let it be too late._

Suddenly he didn't care who knew – he had to tell her. He couldn't keep it inside one second longer.

'Mac,' he breathed, heedless of the crowd around them, the fact that her current and ex-boyfriends were right next to them, that his girlfriend was probably somewhere in the crowd. He knew they weren't alone but the world had contracted. All he saw was her.

'I never stopped either,' he said hoarsely, his voice full of tears. 'It's always been you, Mac. _Always. _I'm so sorry for everything,' Will said, his voice cracking as he started crying in earnest. 'I know I hurt you, pretending I didn't care, but I love you. _I love you. _Do you hear me?_' _he said fiercely.

Nina was stuck behind Martin, so Will didn't hear her gasp. _  
_

Will cupped MacKenzie's face in his hands, staring deeply into her eyes. 'Just hang on, okay? _Please._ I can't live - _I couldn't live - _not without you_. Please don't leave me_.'

As he spoke, tears fell from his eyes and onto her lips. He went to wipe them away but she used her tongue instead to draw the salty drops into her mouth. They were part of _him_ and she would take what she could get until they were alone, when she would show him every bit of what she was feeling right now, what she would always feel for him. She would spend the rest of her hopefully non-abbreviated life showing him. _  
_

'Billy - it's okay,' she choked out, wanting to soothe him. If she had any choice at all in the matter, she wasn't going anywhere. She let go of his hand and brought hers up to caress his cheek, wiping away the tears.

'It not. But it can be,' he answered, echoing her words from Northwestern. She smiled in recognition as he captured her hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to her palm. The effect was electrifying. Every nerve ending in her body that wasn't preoccupied with being shot lit up like a Christmas tree. God, she loved this man.

Brian didn't know if he should get the hell up to give them some privacy or stay where he was. Either way, he was stunned. He hadn't expected _that._ Every time he'd seen them together Will was either reaming MacKenzie out or ignoring her. Until that moment he'd been convinced the only thing Will felt for her was contempt. _Did he tell her that because he knows that's what she wants to hear?_

Brian may not have believed Will's declaration but MacKenzie was euphoric. Which could only mean she actually _was_ dying – didn't people feel euphoric before they died?

Charlie tugged at Will's arm to tell him the paramedics had arrived and were on their way up. MacKenzie felt him turning away. 'Don't – '

He turned back to her and leaned down to brush a kiss across her forehead. 'I'm not going anywhere, Kenz.' She let her eyes close, relaxing against his knee as much as she could.

He took a deep breath as he tried to master his emotions. The only thing that mattered now was getting her through this.

'Don't go to sleep, Mac. Stay with me, okay? How's the pain?'

'Not bad,' she lied through gritted teeth. 'Distract me.'

'OK,' he said, desperately trying to think of something that would take her mind off the pain. Why the fuck was he having so much trouble? He was a goddamned wordsmith after all. _OK._

'You always wanted to see Paris at Christmas, right? How 'bout we take a couple of weeks off …'

'I don't want to go to Paris,' she said stubbornly. 'I want to stay here.'

'Fuck Paris, then,' he said flatly. 'I hate that city.'

She grimaced and said, 'Can we get a real tree? I know you don't like the needles…' she trailed off. The pain intensified, and she winced as she tried to focus on his voice. She closed her eyes but squeezed his hand to let him know she was still with him.

'That's because I'm the one who has to vacuum them up,' he murmured. 'It doesn't matter - we'll get one. Fuck the condo association – I'll sneak out in the middle of the night to get it -'

'Will you let me kiss you?' She said, suddenly desperate to know. 'Not just under the mistletoe – I mean … all the time, whenever I want?'

'God, Mac – any time, any place,' he smiled down at her. 'You own me.' He was acutely aware that all eyes were on them. _Fuck it._

'It's been so hard not to kiss you, Billy,' she told him, the tears sliding down her cheeks. 'It hurts so much - not being able to touch you.'

Beside her, Jack flinched. _Guess it's back to the personal ads for me_, he thought.

'It hurts me, too, Kenz. More than you know,' he murmured, the goddamned tears causing his voice to catch.

'Then _why_?' she choked out, grimacing in pain.

_Does she really not know? _

'Because I'm an _as_s, Mac. You _know_ that about me. But deep down I never stopped loving you - not for a second.'

'Tell me,' she said. _To hell with the crowd._ She needed to hear it - needed his reassurance. It was the only thing keeping her tethered to consciousness.

The expression in her eyes, full of such love and longing, spurred him into action.

'All right,' he said, stroking her cheek as he gazed into her eyes. There were those lips – twisted in pain, but they were full and shiny and …

'Do you have any idea how much I've wanted to kiss you?' he blurted out. 'Every day, every minute since you came back?' He wondered if he should go on but she squeezed his hand, giving him permission. His words came tumbling out, faster and faster.

'The other night – after the show – you were yelling at me 'cause you thought I let that guy off the hook – remember?'

She made a sound in her throat and nodded, weakly.

'You drive me crazy but you make me a better man and you were yelling and I couldn't hear what you were saying because all I could think about was that you were standing six inches away from me and I could see the straps of your camisole and I was trying to figure out if it was the same one you bought when we took that trip to New Orleans – the one with the pale blue flowers, remember? But the one you were wearing didn't have the right straps and I was disappointed 'cause you looked so beautiful in the other one and your eyes were flashing and the hair was falling out of your ponytail and it was touching that spot on your neck that used to drive you crazy when I kissed it and God, I just wanted to kiss you - to put my arms around you and never let you go.' His voice broke again so he took a breath and looked at her, making sure she was still with him.

She was hanging on every word.

_Jesus_ – Nina thought – _no wonder he was so passionate the other night – he was pretending he was making love to MacKenzie._

'More,' MacKenzie croaked.

Will smiled down at her as memories from long ago flooded through him.

'Remember how it used to be, Mac? We'd fight about the show, we'd scream but when we got home we just put that shit away because we loved each other and that was all that mattered?'

'I remember,' she whispered. 'You'd light candles and we'd take a bath and you'd hold me until the water got cold. Those were some of the happiest moments of my life.'

'Mine, too, Sweetheart,' he whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I've missed that - being able to show you how much I love you. Every minute of every day since you came back – that's all I've wanted to do.'

Nina tried to console herself, telling herself Will was only saying what he knew MacKenzie wanted to hear. But even she wasn't buying it.

'Do it now …before - in case…'

'Don't say that, Mac. Don't you dare say that,' he said roughly. 'You're going to be fine.'

Still, he did as she asked and kissed her gently. As he touched her lips the electricity shot through him and she moaned. He couldn't tell if it was from pain or pleasure.

'Jesus, did I hurt you?' he said, panicked.

'No – God, no - I've missed you so much, Billy.'

'Get back!' He heard someone bark behind him. The paramedics. _Thank God._ Will watched as they knelt down beside her. He tried to get out of the way but she clung to his hand.

'Let go of his hand, Ma'am. We need to get you stabilized.'

'Billy – '

'I'll be right here, Mac,' he said, squeezing her hand. 'Just let them take care of you, okay?' Reluctantly, she dropped his hand and turned her attention to the medic. A minute later she was on a gurney and being wheeled out the door. As he followed behind, Will tripped on her other shoe but instead of cursing as he normally would, he picked it up and clutched it to his chest. Sloan appeared next to him and handed him MacKenzie's purse.

'She's going to need this at the hospital.'

He grabbed it and ran to catch up with MacKenzie. They were waiting for the elevator, so he leaned down and murmured softly into her ear. 'Stay with me, Mac.'

'We're taking her to Presbyterian,' Nina heard the medic say to Will. 'You can meet us there.'

'Please – ' MacKenzie breathed. She didn't know how bad it was but if the look on the medic's face was any indication, she didn't want to waste any more time.

Always able to read her like a book, Will reassured her. 'I'm not going anywhere.' To the paramedic he said, 'I want to come with her.'

'I'm sorry, sir, only family can ride - .'

'I'm family,' he said, daring anyone to challenge him.

The paramedic looked to Mac for confirmation. 'Is he your…'

Mac started to speak but Will interjected, 'Husband.'

MacKenzie looked at him in surprise but he didn't have time to explain. He'd almost said 'boyfriend', but a patient's husband might have more privileges at the hospital.

Will rode with MacKenzie, holding her hand as the paramedics worked to stabilize her. By the time they arrived at the hospital, she was unconscious. As the staff wheeled her into surgery he leaned down to kiss her cheek. As he watched her disappear behind the double doors, he stood there awkwardly, trying to choke back the tears. A nurse showed him to the waiting room where he found a chair, sat down and buried his face in his hands.


	7. Chapter 7

Ten minutes later, he felt a hand on his back and looked up to see Lonny.

"This place isn't secure, Will."

"I know," Will said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"How is she?" Lonny asked.

"I don't know. She's in surgery."

"Okay, I'm going to see if we can find someplace else to wait,' he said, scanning the tired faces of the other people in the room. They were staring at Will and whispering.

"Okay," Will said, not really listening.

The rest of the team began to arrive. Sloan asked for an update and the way Will stared at her made her wonder if he even knew who she was. 'She's in surgery,' he said flatly.

She bent down to hug him.

'She's going to be okay, big brother.'

He gulped and burst into tears.

She rubbed his back as the rest of the team shuffled in, looking at him in horror.

'There's no news yet,' she reassured them. 'She's in surgery.'

Lonny came back to lead them to a private waiting room. As they moved to follow him Will finally noticed Nina, standing there awkwardly.

_Nina. _The last time he'd thought about her was when they were under the desk. Had she heard what he'd said to MacKenzie? The look on her face told him she had.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered.

'It's okay, Will. I'm here if you need me."

Will nodded and kept walking to the elevator, head down. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it but he didn't squeeze back. He was lost in his thoughts. She had no idea what the fuck she was doing there but she thought he needed a friend. They'd been friends first, once upon a time. It was something she knew how to do, even though she was sure the rest of the crew thought she was pathetic for sticking around.

Jim trailed behind them. He couldn't hear what they were saying but their clasped hands made him furious. He wished like hell he had about a hundred pounds on Will because he seriously wanted to kick his ass. _Goddamn him. How could he get Mac's hopes up like that?_

He stopped to take a deep breath and was jolted from his reverie when Jack plowed into him.

'Sorry, man,' Jack said. 'My fault,' Jim answered and followed him into the private waiting room.

Brian came next. 'Nice,' he commented, admiring the flat screen TVs that adorned two walls. There were leather chairs, a gas fireplace and was that a fucking coffee bar in the back?

Will suddenly turned to Lonny. "I'd rather wait down there. That's where they told me to wait. If she needs anything and I'm not there …'

'They know, Will. The surgeon will come up here and get you as soon as MacKenzie's out of surgery. I promise."

"I don't know," he said, looking around uncertainly. "I'd feel better if…"

Sloan took charge. "I'll call down and make sure they know, okay?"

"Thank you," Will said, and let Maggie lead him to a chair. He slumped back and closed his eyes. Brian took a chair opposite Will, facing him.

Nina was holding Will's hand. Brian gave her props for standing by Will, especially in light of his earlier declaration (now _that_ must have been a hard pill to swallow). Not that Brian blamed Will – hell, he'd have done the same thing if he'd been the one MacKenzie wanted. He'd have meant it, too.

Jim sat next to Maggie at the opposite end of the room. Brian's back was to him, but he had a clear view of Will and Nina. As the moments ticked by, he got madder and madder.

Nina took Will's hand and tried not to notice it was covered in dried blood. She brought it up to her lap and gently stroked his fingers, wondering what the fuck she was doing there. She wondered even more after ten minutes passed and he still hadn't spoken to her. Was she really that pathetic? He didn't need her – didn't want her – he'd made that perfectly clear. The only way things were going to work out for them was if MacKenzie died and did she really want to be with someone who was only with her because the love of his life was dead? Self-preservation started to kick in and then she looked up to see a kid with a mop of brown hair standing in front of Will. Will stared at the kid, waiting for him to speak.

'You shouldn't be here,' Jim said to Will, who blinked in confusion.

The kid's fists were clenched and Nina thought it looked like he wanted to take a swing at Will.

Bewildered, Will said aloud, 'What? Where should I be?'

Jim looked from Will to Nina.

'Not here,' he said flatly.

The room went quiet. Everyone was staring at Jim, who looked simultaneously furious and crestfallen.

'Is there a problem, Jim?' Will said coolly.

'Yeah. _You_,' Jim said, his voice thin with fury. 'You can be a real prick sometimes but this is cruel – even for you.'

'_Jim_.' Charlie said menacingly, but Will held up his hand. 'I'm lost – what the hell are you talking about?'

'Mac!' Jim exploded. 'How could you get her hopes up like that?! How can you sit there holding hands with your girlfriend when an hour ago you were telling Mac you love her?' He looked at Nina. 'No offense.'

'None taken,' Nina said acerbically.

Will's mouth hung open in surprise. He didn't often find himself at a loss for words, but he was flabbergasted.

'I don't care what she did with _him_,' Jim pointed at Brian. 'She deserves _better_!'

Maggie sidled up and put her hand on Jim's shoulder. 'Jim - let's go sit.'

'I don't want to sit. He needs to _leave_,' he choked out. 'She's going to quit, you know. She's going to wake up, find out you didn't mean it and then she's gonna quit. Is that what you want?!'

'You think –' Will said slowly, unable to finish the sentence – especially with Nina sitting next to him. She didn't need to hear him refute Jim's words - he owed her _that _much.

'Yes, that's what he thinks,' Nina said to Will before fixing her gaze on Jim.

'You're wrong,' Nina told him. 'He meant every word he said. And for the record, we broke up.' Well, they hadn't actually had that conversation but it really wasn't necessary.

She got up, squared her shoulders and headed for the door.

'Nina,' Will called, getting to his feet.

'It's okay, Will. I shouldn't be here. Take care of yourself.'

Brian watched her go. He didn't blame her.

Jim glared at Will but decided to head back to his chair. The room was quiet for a while, but gradually the staff began talking among themselves.

Brian looked around, observing the way they leaned into one another. He could see how tight everyone was. It was always that way to some degree, in any workplace, but this was different. They really seemed to have each other's backs, regardless of station. Sloan, who was seated next to Will, was talking to Neal, Jennifer the intern was talking to Elliot, while Charlie looked on, exhausted and sipping a scotch.

Brian watched as Maggie came around from behind and padded over to Will. She leaned down and spoke softly, startling Will out of his reverie. 'Can I get you a coffee?'

'No thanks, Maggie,' he looked at her, noting her scraggly hair and tear-stained face. Her clothes were rumpled and one of her pant legs was torn. 'How are you holding up?'

'OK,' she said gently. 'How about you?'

'OK,' he said simply. 'Let me know if you need anything.'

'I will.'

He saw Brian looking at them and turned to address the younger man.

'What?'

'You've built a nice team here. You all seem to look out for each other.'

Will shook his head. 'I had nothing to do with it. It's all Mac,' he said, his voice breaking. 'She's the heart of this operation.'

Brian nodded, waited a beat and said, 'I heard Sloan say you called her parents. Are they flying in?'

Will nodded. 'They'll be here tomorrow – it's the earliest they could get a flight.'

'How are they?

'Scared,' Will said, remembering the quaking he'd heard in Lord McHale's voice. 'Trying not to let on.'

'Like Mac,' Brian said softly.

'Like Mac,' Will agreed. For the first time Will noticed that Brian looked as exhausted as the rest of them, his hair sticking up at odd angles.

'How are you holding up?' Will said unexpectedly. The guy was an asshole but he'd been in love with MacKenzie once. 'I mean, you've known her longer than anyone else …'

Surprised, Brian looked at Will. 'Longer, maybe,' he said slowly. 'But I'm beginning to think maybe I never knew her at all.' He looked down and rubbed his hands on his thighs.

Will wasn't sure how to respond, so he didn't, which made Brian lean forward.

'Look, Will – I hate to sound like Jim and maybe you don't want to hear this from me but I care about Mac. Which is why I've gotta ask. Did you mean what you said to her tonight?'

Will looked at Brian, considering his response. _Jesus – is that what everyone thinks? Didn't I already make a public declaration? _

'I said a lot of things to her tonight,' he said slowly. Though he was more than ready to stake his claim on MacKenzie – most especially to Brian Brenner, he wanted to see the guy squirm. 'What are we talking about?'

Brian shook his head, knowing Will was being deliberately obtuse.

'That you love her.'

_Why is he asking? If he says he wants her back I'm going to punch him. _

He decided to go with his first thought.

'Why are you asking?'

Everyone in the room looked at the two men. Sloan felt the tension between them escalate. Were they going to get into a fistfight?

Brian looked at Will, exasperated.

_Is he that dense? Why does he think I want to know? Do I have to spell it out? Fine._

'Because she believed every word. I saw her face - the way she looked at you…' He snorted mirthlessly. 'She sure as hell never looked at me like that.'

Despite everything, Will's heart soared.

'All I'm saying is that when she wakes up she's gonna remember what you said and if you didn't mean it – if you only said it because you thought that's what she wanted to hear… well…' he stared at Will and spoke earnestly. 'I don't want to see her get hurt is all.'

Will stared at Brian.

_Christ, do people really think I just said that shit to fuck with her? _Charlie knew how he felt about her, even when he himself didn't, but then again, Charlie was one of the few people Will let get close enough to actually see him. _Was it possible people really didn't know? _

He suddenly noticed the room had gotten quiet as everyone waited for Will's answer.

_Maybe they didn't._


	8. Chapter 8

Will looked Brian straight in the eye.

'I meant every word I said to her and about a million more,' he said loudly, then turned around to address the rest of the room. 'Did everyone get that?' he said over his shoulder.

'Yes,' everyone chorused together.

Brian sat back. 'OK.'

Then something occurred to Will. _What if she didn't mean it? What if she only said it because she thought that's what_ **I**_ wanted to hear? _

When Sloan shook her head and rolled her eyes, he realized he'd said it out loud.

'No way, you idiot,' she said.

Will ignored the 'idiot' part. 'How do you know?'

'Because when she's drunk, she talks. And no matter how the conversation starts off, it always ends up with you. She'd kill me for telling you this but a couple months ago she said she hoped you were happy with Nina because you deserve to be happy.'

Will stared at Sloan and knitted his eyebrows together. 'Is that supposed to make me feel better?'

'No, but the next part is. I told her to cheer up because she'd find her prince one day.' She looked from Brian to Jack, who was sitting next to him, and back to Will. 'No offense.'

'Still not helping, Sloan.'

She held up her hand. 'Wait for it.'

'You guys don't need to hear this part,' she said to Jack and Brian.

Then she leaned in to whisper in Will's ear.

'She said, and I quote, 'It's impossible, Sloan. I could never feel for another man what I feel for Will. I gave my heart to him a long time ago and I never got it back.'

Sloan watched as a smile lit up Will's face.

'Thanks, Sis.'

'You're welcome. But don't tell her I told you – she swore me to secrecy.'

'I won't,' he said, and sat back in his chair.

Will felt a bit better. It wasn't just what Sloan had said – it was the way she'd spoken about MacKenzie in the future tense. For whatever reason, he took a small measure of comfort in the fact that she assumed MacKenzie wasn't going to die on the operating table.

They waited. Will told the staff it wasn't necessary for all of them to stay, that he would call them as soon as she was out of surgery, but no one wanted to leave. Brian couldn't help being a little surprised - MacKenzie had built quite a team.

Four hours later an exhausted surgeon opened the door to the waiting room. He was in his late 30s, dark blue eyes set in a kind, chiseled face. _A handsome face_, Sloan couldn't help thinking.

'Family of MacKenzie McHale?'

'Yes,' Will said, leaping to his feet. Charlie got up to stand next to him. The older man looked tired, but he'd waved off Will's exhortations to go home. He wasn't about to leave Will alone to face the news.

Will couldn't move. He couldn't do anything but stare at the doctor, silently imploring him to utter the words that had been running through his brain ever since they'd arrived at the hospital. _Please – I'll do anything – please say she's going to be okay._

The surgeon recognized Will, Sloan and Elliot (his wife insisted on maintaining their subscription to ACN because she liked Will's show). He noticed an older man standing next to Will with a steadying hand under his elbow. Will stared at the doctor, his eyes filled with sheer, abject terror.

The others had gotten to their feet, forming a tight circle around Will and bracing for the worst.

The surgeon's expression was inscrutable, but he recognized the fear in Will's face. Gently, the man took a couple of steps toward Will and put a hand on his arm.

_No, please, no._

'Are you her husband?' he spoke softly, taking in the ragged expression of everyone in the room.

'Yes,' Will said fiercely. 'Is she…' Will trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

_I can't live – not without her – never again – please._

'She's stable. She lost a lot of blood but we were able to repair the damage to her liver. She'll be in here for another week, on bed rest for two.' He looked at Will. 'For the first couple of weeks she'll need someone with her 24 hours a day.'

Cheers erupted and everyone hugged one another. When Charlie put his arms around Will, the dam in the younger man broke and he fell apart, sobbing into Charlie's shirt. Great, heaving cries of relief echoed throughout the room as Charlie rubbed Will's back, murmuring into his ear.

'I know, Son, I know,' he soothed. 'She's alright.'

'She almost _died_, Charlie,' Will sobbed, pulling back to look in his mentor's face. 'I almost lost her. I've been such a goddamned _idiot_!'

Charlie looked at him sternly. 'You're right, Son. You have been a total fucking moron. But you're not gonna be one any more, are you? You're going to march in there and sit next to her until she wakes up and tell her again how much she means to you. And to us. You're gonna love her and let her love you and you're never going to let anything come between you again – is that clear?'

He nodded, suddenly seeing everyone around him. God, he should be embarrassed but he was still so relieved he didn't give a fuck if everyone thought he was pathetic. A second later he realized they weren't looking at him with pity or embarrassment but with joy and relief. The woman who had banded them together was going to be okay. He didn't have to hide his feelings – not anymore.

Jack reached out to shake Will's hand. 'I'm glad she's going to be okay. Give her my best.'

'Thanks for sticking around, Jack. I'll tell her.'

Then it was Brian's turn to address Will. 'Give her a hug for me,' he said. 'Take care of her.'

'I will.'

As Brian walked away, he felt alone. The News Night team was a family, no matter how much he wanted to ridicule it. They stood by each other. She _had_ done something extraordinary. He thought about MacKenzie and what he felt for her. He loved her, but not like Will did. He'd never come close to feeling – for any woman - what he saw in Will's eyes when he'd explained to MacKenzie how much he'd wanted to kiss her. And the way MacKenzie had looked at Will made him wonder why the hell she'd gotten back together with him in the first place. Was it really because she hadn't fallen in love with Will yet? That's the only explanation because there was no way she'd have been able to do it if she'd felt for Will even a tenth of what he'd just witnessed.

Charlie told the rest of the team to take the rest of the night off, but no one wanted to go. They would stay until MacKenzie regained consciousness.

* * *

Seven hours later, MacKenzie's eyes fluttered open. The room was dark, and she heard deep, even breathing beside her. Will was in bed with her, lying on his side, clutching his arms to his chest, clearly afraid to get too close. He'd spent six hours in the hard plastic chair next to her bed but his back had been killing him and about four hours into his vigil he'd started looking longingly at MacKenzie's extra-wide hospital bed. He'd asked for her to be put in one of their most luxurious rooms, but apparently visitor comfort wasn't a priority. When the seized muscles in his back started screaming without respite, he decided to go for it. He'd just rest a bit until they kicked him out of the bed; maybe the hard chair wouldn't be quite so brutal if he could just stretch out a bit. And so, he'd climbed gingerly into the bed, carefully settling on the side without wires or tubes. He nuzzled his face in her hair, breathing in her familiar scent. God, it was wonderful being so close to her again. Almost immediately, he felt himself beginning to drift and within moments he had drifted into a dreamless sleep.

MacKenzie lay there for a while, luxuriating in the warmth of his body next to hers. It hadn't been a dream, then; it had actually happened. Despite a bit of discomfort in her abdomen, she was almost deliriously happy. She wasn't worried about her physical well-being; after all, she was awake, and the pain wasn't too bad, so the surgery must have gone well. Truthfully, she felt like a lovesick teenager: all she could think about was that he loved her.

She felt him stir beside her and she turned her head to look at him.

'Hey, Sweetheart. You're awake.' he said, propping himself on one elbow. 'Do you know where you are?' he asked softly, smoothing her hair.

'Hospital,' she said slowly, with some effort.

'Do you remember what happened?'

'Shot.'

'Do you know who I am?'

'Love of my life.'

His face lit up and he kissed her cheek gently.

'Ditto. I'm going to go get the nurse. Let her know you're awake. I'll be right back.'

'Stay.'

'Mac –'

'Please.'

'OK, I'll use the call button,' he said, picking it up and activating it. 'Your mom and dad will be here tomorrow morning.'

'They didn't have to – you shouldn't have – '

'Mac, they're your parents. They love you. They want to make sure you're alright.'

''Okay,' she relented. She hadn't seen them since before she came back to ACN and while it would be lovely to see them again, she wished it were under better circumstances.

The nurse came in, looking askance at Will, who was still in bed with MacKenzie.

Will ignored the look but said, 'She's awake.' He started to get out of the bed but MacKenzie grabbed his arm.

'Stay,' she said again.

'I will, honey. Just let her check you out.' He hopped out of bed and stepped aside.

The nurse checked her vital signs, told her to rest and headed for the door.

'I'm just going to tell everyone you're awake and that they can all go home,' Will said, turning to go. He stopped when he heard MacKenzie's voice behind him.

'Everyone's still here? Isn't it the middle of the night?'

'They wanted to stay until you woke up.'

'Tell them they didn't have to - they should go home.'

'They know that, honey, but they wanted to. I'll go tell 'em and come right back.'

A few minutes later he was back, having ushered the crew out the door. Today was Saturday, so they had time to rest up before getting back to work on Monday. MacKenzie crooked her finger at him and Will clambered back into bed.

'How's the pain?' he asked.

'Okay,' she smiled up at him. 'You love me.'

'I do.'

'I won't let you take it back.'

'There are about a dozen people out there who would kill me if I tried to take it back.'

'Is that the only thing stopping you?'

'Nope. I love you.'

'Say it again.'

'I _love_ you,' he said, kissing her. 'I'm _in love_ with you. When you look at me I forget how to breathe. How's that?'

'Perfect,' she said, leaning into him. 'What time is it?'

'A little after 2.'

'How long have you been here? Did Elliot or Sloan do the show?'

'The show?' he said blankly. 'I forgot about it – I'm sure Charlie took care of it.'

'You forgot about the show?'

'Jesus Christ, Mac - you almost_ died_ - of course I forgot about the show. And I'm pretty sure everyone else did too.'

'What happened to the guy…'

'The gunman? Well, after Neal hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher and Tess kicked him in the balls, he was arrested. He'll be charged with attempted murder. He acted alone – there's no need to worry. He was just some nutjob who didn't like my Tea Party commentary.'

'You're okay,' she said. 'I'm so glad.'

'You were the only one who got hurt - I'm so sorry, Sweetheart.'

'Don't be. It's not your fault.' She could see how tired he was. It wasn't that late but he looked well and truly exhausted. 'You should go home - get some real sleep.'

'Nah, I think I'll stick around… I mean, unless you think I'll keep you from resting…'

'You don't mind?'

'There's no place I'd rather be.'

'Get under the covers, then. And say it again,' she said.

'How many times do I have to say it?'

'Until I get tired of hearing it.'

'I love you, MacKenzie. Your turn.'

'I love you, Billy.'

'That's never going to get old.'

'No,' she yawned, looking around her. 'I didn't know our insurance covered such nice rooms. '

'It doesn't.'

'Did you do this?'

'Only the best for my wife.'

'Oh, so is that what we're calling it?'

'As soon as you're up and around, yes. I'm not fucking around anymore, Mac. Life's too short. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?'

'This is all rather sudden, Billy. Are you sure you don't want to think it over?'

'Do you?'

'No, I know my answer.'

'Care to enlighten me?'

'Ask me again.'

'Jesus – do you know how tired I am? Can't you just answer the fucking question?'

'Not until you ask me again.'

'Fine. Will you marry me?'

'Yes. Now kiss me.'

He did.


	9. Chapter 9

Will's arm was slung protectively over MacKenzie's chest, his face buried in her neck. Her head was resting against his, her nose nestled in his hair. They both slept soundly, the only sound in the room their deep breathing and the whirring of machines.

The door to the room opened and MacKenzie's parents stepped in. When Lord McHale saw a man slumbering next to his daughter, he stepped forward menacingly, ready to drag whoever the hell it was out by his ear. As he did, Mrs. McHale put a steadying hand on her husband's elbow. 'Wait. I think it's Will McAvoy.'

'Doesn't he have a girlfriend?'

'That's what Mackie said.'

'Then what the hell is he doing in her bed?' he hissed. 'If he breaks her heart again, he'll have _me_ to answer to.'

Furious, he stepped forward, reached over MacKenzie's sleeping form and shook Will's shoulder roughly.

'William, wake up.'

Will's eyes flew open as he tried to make sense of his surroundings. The sight of Lord McHale's angry visage woke him up immediately.

'Lord McHale - Lady McHale - hello,' he said, rubbing his eyes. The sun shone brightly into the room, so he must have been asleep for hours.

'How is she?' Lady McHale peered over the side of the bedrail, looking closely at her daughter's face.

'She's fine - she had some pain in the middle of the night so they gave her some medication - they said she might have a hard time waking up and be a bit groggy for a while, but she's okay.'

Sensing that his presence in MacKenzie's bed was displeasing to her father, he quickly swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. He rubbed his chin, fingers ghosting over the stubble. He'd always been close to both of MacKenzie's parents but her father was obviously irritated with him. When Will spoke, he addressed her mother.

'The surgery went well. She lost a lot of blood, but they were able to repair the damage to her liver and she shouldn't have any lasting effects. She'll be in here for another week and on bed rest for two. She'll need someone with her for 24 hours a day but that's no problem - I've booked the time off.'

Lady McHale looked at him in confusion. 'I don't understand. You're going to take care of her?'

Lord McHale raised himself to his full height, an inch less than Will's, and addressed the younger man coldly.

'William, just what is your relationship to my daughter? Three days ago MacKenzie told us you were seeing someone and had been for some time. She also told us she's been dating someone from your show.'

'Jack - she was - I was - but last night I asked her to marry me and she said yes.'

'You asked the woman you're seeing to marry you and yet you slept in my daughter's bed.'

'Nina? No - Mac - I asked _Mac_ to marry me and _she_ said yes.'

'Was she suffering the after-effects of anesthesia at the time?'

'What? _No._ She knew what she was saying. You can ask her when she wakes up. Look, I don't know what MacKenzie told you about why we weren't together but I love your daughter,' he said earnestly. 'I've always loved her. I've never _not_ loved her - I was just too pig-headed to admit it. What happened last night made me realize how much I do. I want to spend the rest of my life with her - starting last night. And she feels the same way so she said yes.'

Lord McHale looked unconvinced, but Lady McHale's expression softened.

'Billy?'

Everyone turned to look at MacKenzie, whose eyes were closed, her voice heavy with sleep.

'I'm right here, Sweetheart. So are your parents.'

'My parents?' she said in confusion. Why was she so groggy?

'We're right here, darling. We were so worried about you.'

'I'm fine,' she said, trying to focus on her mother's face. 'I'm sorry you had to come all this way - '

'Don't be silly,' Lady McHale said soothingly. 'Are you in pain? Do you want me to get the nurse?'

'No.'

Will appeared beside her and took her hand in his. She looked at him and smiled, still not quite believing she was allowed to touch him.

'Kenz, I'm going to let you catch up with your parents. I'll be back in a couple of hours -'

_No._ The thought of him walking out the door sent chills up her spine. She knew she was being ridiculous but she felt so vulnerable, so frightened - even her parents weren't enough to stave off her fear.

'Don't go,' she whimpered.

Her parents looked at each other and then back to their daughter.

'Darling, I'm sure William has things to do - you won't be alone - we'll stay with you.'

'Billy - stay - please. Just for a little longer.'

'Okay, Sweetheart. I'm just going to go sit in that chair over by the door.'

'No - come back to bed. Please.' She hated being so weak, and she didn't know why, but she needed him desperately. It was the only way she could feel safe.

He looked at her parents and climbed back into bed with her. As soon as he was beside her, she relaxed and held out her hand to her mother.

'Thanks for coming, Mum. How have you been?'

'Shhh, don't talk. Just rest. We'll be right over there.'

Her parents dragged two chairs next to her bed and looked at each other, unsure of what to do.

'Did you tell them we're getting married?' MacKenzie said sleepily.

'Yes.'

'Isn't it wonderful, Mum? He loves me.'

'Yes, dear. But getting married is a big step - are you sure?'

'I've never been more sure of anything in my life,' she said happily.

'Kenz, why don't you try to get some more sleep,' Will said apprehensively. When he looked at his watch he figured the pain-killers should be taking effect right about now. They always loosened her tongue - she'd been downright bawdy when she'd had her wisdom teeth out, which wouldn't have been so bad except that they'd been in a room full of AWM executives when the medicine kicked in.

'Afraid of what I might say?'

'Yes.'

'Don't worry - my parents know I love you. I've cried about you often enough. Especially when you started seeing that woman who shan't be named. Did you break it off with her?'

'I did. Kenz, I really think you should try to get some more sleep.'

A thought suddenly occurred to her and she looked stricken. 'I have to break it off with Jack.'

'I think he knows, Mac. He was there last night. He told me to give you his best.'

'He tried to give me his best the other night - if you know what I mean - but I wouldn't let him.'

'_MacKenzie._' Will said warningly.

'He's a lovely man, but he isn't you.' She turned to her mother. 'Billy always worries about me when I take pain-killers.'

'As well he should, dear,' her mother said calmly. 'I think William is right. You should rest.'

'I don't want to rest. Billy loves me and I love him. We're getting married and we're going to live happily ever after. Isn't that right, Billy?'

Will just shook his head. 'That's right, Mac - happily ever after.'

'Do you promise?'

'I promise.'

She turned her head, captured his lips and kissed him full on the mouth. 'I fucking love you, Billy.'

When she finally pulled away he said sheepishly, 'I love you too, Kenz. Listen - if you don't want to sleep you can just rest. Which means no talking.'

'Was she like this when you asked her to marry you?' Lord McHale asked.

'No. She was perfectly lucid. I swear.'

'I'm perfectly lucid now, Dad. I'm head over heels in love with him and I want to shout it from the rooftops. Do you know how hard it's been, having to pretend I wasn't in love with him? That I didn't want to jump his bones -'

'OK, Mac,' Will said.

'- every time I saw him in his $4,000 tuxedo? It was bloody painful is what it was. Sometimes I wanted to run back home but I stayed because I love our show and I love our team. But most of all, I love my Billy and I knew eventually we'd find our way back to each other.'

'OK, Mac.'

'Am I embarrassing you?'

'Yes.'

'I don't know why - you said much more personal things last night in front of 20 of our closest friends.'

'Special circumstances, Mac. And none of those people were your _parents_.'

'Do you want to know what he said?'

'I'm sure they don't,' Will said.

'I do,' said Lord McHale.

'Oh, God,' Will said.

'Come now, Billy - it was the most romantic, lovely gesture - I was lying on the floor surrounded by all the men in my life - Brian was there - '

'Brian Brenner?'

'Yes, Will brought him in to punish me.' She waved her hands. 'But that's all over with. And Jack was there - the man I've been seeing. And in front of God and _everyone_ Will told me he'd never stopped loving me and that I had to stay alive because he _couldn't live without me_. And then he said he'd been wanting to kiss me every second since I came back to ACN.'

'Oh God,' Will said.

'Isn't that the most romantic thing _ever_, Mum?'

'It is, dear,' said Lady McHale.

MacKenzie looked stricken again as she looked at Will.

'You meant it, didn't you?'

_Oh here it comes_, Will thought. _She's going to get maudlin on us._

'Of course I meant it, Mac.'

To her parents, he said, 'I think we should call the nurse. Let her know she's awake.'

'You just want to shut me up.'

'Oh, how you know me,' he said, and pressed the call button.


	10. Chapter 10

'I'm fine,' MacKenzie said to the nurse. 'It's just that Will prefers me unconscious - that way I can remain silent.' Turning to Will, she said, 'Perhaps you'd like to request I be put into a medically induced coma.'

'For Christ's sake, MacKenzie. I just wanted to make sure they know how narcotics affect you in case they want to adjust your medication. I forgot to tell the night nurse.'

'So you'd rather I be in pain than embarrass you,' she said petulantly.

Will rolled his eyes and spoke to the nurse, 'When she takes that stuff there's no telling what's going to come out her mouth - she veers between saying x-rated things and getting weepy.' He looked at MacKenzie. 'Remember when you were sick a few weeks ago and took that NyQuil? You spent the night on my couch crying over Hallmark commercials and waxing rhapsodic about Chippendale dancers.'

'I'll have you know that Hallmark commercials are extremely moving and Chippendale dancers are very attractive. Of course they have nothing on you, Billy. You look much better in boxers than they ever could.'

'OK, Mac,' he said quickly, realizing he'd led her right into that one but MacKenzie was undeterred. 'Do you still have those blue silk boxers I bought you?' To the nurse she said, 'They make his balls look like floating clouds.'

'MacKenzie!' Lady McHale said.

'Oh God,' said Will.

'It's true, Mum. He's absolutely gorgeous - and not just in the front. I haven't seen his ass in years but I promise you that's the first thing I'm going to do when I get out of here.'

'OK, Mac - that's -' Will said ineffectually.

'...He has the most perfect ass - so muscular and round. In fact -'

Will clapped his hand over MacKenzie's mouth. '...enough.'

MacKenzie's eyes narrowed and she spoke against Will's hand. Will had no idea how she'd ended that sentence and he didn't want to know. Still, he dropped his hand. The nurse's lips twitched but she managed to adopt a neutral expression. Then MacKenzie looked stricken, realizing she'd embarrassed him again and her eyes filled with tears. 'Oh Billy, I'm so sorry - now I've gone and ruined everything.'

'You haven't ruined anything, Kenz,' he said gently. 'Just - try to keep a lid on it, okay?'

'Okay,' she sniffed.

'I'll ask the doctor to look at her dosage,' the nurse said, trying not to smile. 'They'll be bringing your breakfast in a few minutes,' she said to MacKenzie.

At the mention of the word, 'breakfast,' Will's stomach rumbled, which was audible to everyone in the room.

'Thank you,' Will said. He didn't dare look at MacKenzie's parents, who had apparently been stunned into silence.

'Mackie, why don't you let William go get himself something to eat,' said Lady McHale. 'We'll stay with you until he gets back.'

'When was the last time you ate?' MacKenzie said to Will.

'Yesterday morning, I think.'

'Go, then - I'll see you in a few minutes.'

He kissed her cheek and slid out of the bed.

'Can I bring something back for either of you?' he said to her parents, who seemed glad at the prospect of getting rid of him. He had the feeling MacKenzie was about to be interrogated.

'No thank you - we ate at the airport.'

'OK, then - be back in a few minutes.'

'Will, wait - is Lonny here? You can't go without him - especially after yesterday.'

'He should be around somewhere. I won't go without him,' Will said.

He opened the door and poked his head into the hallway. He was hoping the promise of lousy coffee and even lousier company would be enough to lure Lonny to the cafeteria but the chair outside MacKenzie's door was empty. Lonny would kill him if he went there by himself but he was starving so he decided to make a run for the vending machine at the end of the hall. Quickly shutting MacKenzie's door behind him, he went to make his purchase.

In MacKenzie's room, Lord McHale stood beside her bed. He looked down at her face, still so pale, and was exceedingly grateful she was all right but he was frightened for her future: how could she even consider marrying the man who had been the source of so much of her heartache? Lord and Lady McHale knew the circumstances of Will and MacKenzie's breakup, knew from MacKenzie how deeply Will had been wounded, but that did little to mitigate the suffering Will himself had inflicted on MacKenzie in the intervening years. It was because of Will that she had gone to Afghanistan, where she had very nearly died, and yesterday she had almost died again because of him. Lord McHale had once been fond of Will - very fond indeed - when he and MacKenzie had been together the first time, but he'd heard too many stories about Will's bad behaviour, heard the pain in his daughter's voice too many times to view Will as anything other than a threat to MacKenzie's well-being.

That fear was in his voice when spoke, so what he said came out a little more harshly than he'd intended. 'MacKenzie, what is the meaning of this? How can you marry that man when he's treated you so badly?'

'Dad, I know you don't understand and my head is too muddled to have this conversation now but I promise you don't have to worry. I love Will and he loves me and that's all that matters.'

'It's not all that matters, MacKenzie! How a man treats you is what matters.'

Seeing the tears well up in her eyes, his expression softened. 'Never mind - we'll talk about this later, when you're feeling better.'

'Thank you.'

Will was heading back to the room when he saw Jim walking down the hall towards him.

'Hey,' Jim said, observing Will's stuck-up hair and day-old whiskers. 'You been here all night?'

'Yeah - want some?' Will said, thrusting a bag of Fritos at him.

'Uh - no thanks,' he said, shaking his head. 'How is she?'

'Hopped up on pain-killers. And if I were you I'd steer clear of her unless you want her parents to hear about what color underwear you were wearing when you got shot in the ass.'

Jim chortled. 'Mac and pain killers - a lethal combination.'

'You're telling me.' Will turned towards MacKenzie's room, making the sign of the cross before opening the door. _  
_

He was about to step inside when a booming voice stopped him in his tracks. 'McAvoy, if I catch your white ass walking anywhere in this hospital without me again I'm gonna fucking _kill you_. You got that?"

Will waved Lonny off, then motioned for him to follow him into the room. When Lonny saw MacKenzie's parents standing next to her bed, he stopped short.

'Oh shit - excuse me.'

'Lord and Lady McHale, meet my bodyguard, Lonny Church. Lonny, these are Mac's parents.'

'We met earlier - when they first arrived,' Lonny said sheepishly.

'Oh, right,' Will said. 'Forgot you were out there.'

He felt the tension in the room and guessed he was the cause. He was in dire need of real sustenance and a cup of coffee but this couldn't wait - he needed to talk to Mac's parents.

'Ms. McHale,' Lonny said, 'Glad to see you're feeling better.'

'Thank you, Lonny,' MacKenzie said. 'Lonny's the best bodyguard in the business - _bar none_,' MacKenzie said to her parents. 'Well, except for yesterday but I'm sure that wasn't his fault. He probably had to go to the bathroom or something.'

Lonny looked hurt, then explained that some idiot guard in training had believed the gunman's story about skipping the metal detectors because he had a pacemaker.

'Yeah, Charlie told us,' Will said. 'Listen,' he whispered. 'Don't mind Mac - she's a loose cannon because of the pain killers.' Offering the bag of Fritos to Lonny, he said, 'I'm terrified of what's going to come out of her mouth next.' Observing that MacKenzie had just noticed Jim standing in the doorway, Will said, 'But we're safe now because she has another target. Hey, did you notice any place out there where Mac's parents and I could have a private conversation?'

'There's an empty room next door,' Lonny said. 'I'll see if it's okay to use it. How long will you need?'

'15 minutes.'

'OK, let me see what I can do.'

'Jim!' MacKenzie said gleefully.

'Hey Mac,' Jim said, walking up to her bed and kissing her on the cheek. 'How are you feeling?'

'Never better. Mum, Dad, this is Jim Harper, our senior producer. He's the one who saved my life in Afghanistan.'

Lord McHale shook Jim's hand. 'We owe you a great deal, Jim. Thank you for taking care of our daughter.'

'And he bandaged me up last night, too. Jim's the greatest. The absofuckinglutely greatest.'

'MacKenzie,' her mother warned.

'He is - though I'm not sure how he's going to feel about our news.'

'What news?' Jim said.

'Will and I are getting married. Isn't it wonderful?' she beamed.

Jim looked bewildered. 'You're getting married? Uh, congratulations,' he said, recovering quickly.

'You don't look happy. I knew you wouldn't be happy. Jim's like you, Dad - he thinks Will treats me terribly,' she said to her parents by way of explanation.

Alarmed, Will looked at Mac's parents. He could prove himself to Jim (who would see he and Mac together on a daily basis) but he wasn't so sure he'd be able to convince Lord McHale he was a worthy custodian of MacKenzie's heart. Even so, he couldn't resist needling Jim.

'So Jim's not my biggest fan.' Will said.

'Not at all - he hates you - well, not _you_ exactly - just the way you treat me. You had to have known that. I can't tell you how many times he's told me to tell you to fuck off -'

'OK, Mac,' said Jim.

'Don't worry, Jimmy - Will won't hold it against you - if he's managed to forgive me for ripping his heart out and stomping on it with my Louboutins he can forgive you for hating his guts.'

Will burst out laughing and Jim turned three shades of pink.

'What's so funny?' MacKenzie asked indignantly.

'You are, my beautiful, brilliant and entirely too talkative fiancee.' He bent down to kiss her cheek gently, still chuckling.

Lonny returned and whispered to Will that the room next door would be available for the next half hour.

'Listen, Mac,' Will said. 'While you catch up with Jim, I was wondering if your parents wouldn't mind going next door with me for a minute.'

'Whatever for?' MacKenzie said.

'I just want to talk to them about something. Lord and Lady McHale? Is that alright with you? It shouldn't take long.'

They nodded and followed Will and Lonny out the door. Lonny led them to the room and closed the door behind him. When they were alone, Will offered MacKenzie's parents a seat and pulled up another one opposite MacKenzie's mother.

'First of all,' Will began. 'I want to tell you how sorry I am that MacKenzie got hurt. That bullet was meant for me and I wish to God I'd been the one who got hit instead of her. But I'm going to make sure she gets the best medical care possible. She's also getting her own bodyguard and ACN is installing metal detectors outside the newsroom.'

Will paused, and took a breath. Lord McHale's expression was inscrutable so Will decided to continue.

'I imagine you weren't too happy to hear about our engagement - you've probably heard quite a few stories about me hurting MacKenzie over the years and all I can say about that is that there's absolutely no excuse for how I treated her but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I never stopped loving her but I did blame her for ruining the life we could have had together and I hated the fact that I couldn't get over her, no matter how hard I tried. I admit I've spent a long time trying to punish her, trying to hurt her as much as she hurt me but yesterday, when she got hurt, all the anger just melted away and all I could think about was how dark the world would be without her in it - not just professionally - I mean, every ACN viewer owes MacKenzie a debt of gratitude - but personally. It suddenly dawned on me that I've been a complete and total idiot for holding on to the past when all this time I could have been spending my life with the only woman I have ever loved. I promise you that from this day forward I will love her and worship her and take care of her until the day I die. I don't expect you to believe me but I hope in time that I'll be able to regain your trust.'

'Thank you for speaking so candidly, William,' Lady McHale said. 'I, for one, am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. What say you, Harold?'

Lord McHale looked thoughtfully at Will, who certainly seemed sincere. 'MacKenzie has been desperately unhappy about you for some time,' he said, apparently unable to let bygones be bygones.

'I know - well, I didn't know that exactly but I do know I've been a jerk and she must have been hurt by my actions.'

'That would be an understatement, William,' Lord McHale said coolly. 'Although I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt you should know that when she's feeling better I fully intend to have a discussion with her about whether it is in her best interests to marry you.'

'I understand. Thank you.'


	11. Chapter 11

MacKenzie is grilling Jim about Maggie and Lisa so he's grateful when Will and his entourage troop back in. Will can't hear what MacKenzie's saying but the look on Jim's face indicates they've arrived none too soon. He's eager to head off any further revelatory utterances by his fiancee so he says, 'Jim, I think we'd better get out of here. Mac, I'll be back after your medication has worn off.' MacKenzie looks taken aback so he sidles up to her bed.

'You're leaving?'

He leans down to whisper in her ear and brushes the back of his index finger against her cheek. 'Honey, it's better this way,' he whispers. The scent of her skin, the _nearness_ of her makes every nerve ending in his body light up (and other parts stand up) and he wonders if anyone would notice if he stabbed himself in the thigh with the paperclip he carries around for that purpose. 'I don't want your parents thinking even less of me than they already do.' He wishes he wasn't wearing jeans because the crotch is now uncomfortably tight and his notebook is all the way the across the room so he improvises and grabs the copy of _Women's World_ the nurse left behind and lays it strategically over his crotch. Thus concealed he says that he and Lonny are going to get breakfast, he's going home to change and he'll be back in a couple of hours.

MacKenzie doesn't put up a fight - the pain medication is wearing off and her cheeks are a little pink at the thought of some of the things she's said. 'OK, see you in a bit.'

'Be sure to eat something, okay?' Will prompts, and she nods in agreement. He starts to turn away but she grabs the wrist that isn't holding the magazine and motions for him to bend down. He goes to kiss her on the cheek but she grabs his head and kisses him fiercely, their eyes meeting when she finally pulls away. 'I love you', she whispers in a voice that's low and husky and goes straight to his groin. He curses himself for wearing those jeans; the paperclip is deep in his left pocket and the front is so tight there's no way he can get to it. 'I love you too, Kenz,' he whispers and brushes another kiss across her forehead. He stands up and hurries towards the door, hoping no one thinks anything of the magazine and avoiding the gaze of everyone in the room just in case.

Lonny follows him outside and his eyes twinkle as he points to Will's magazine.

'Find some good recipes?' Lonny asks and it's clear he knows exactly why Will's carrying it.

'Fuck off,' Will says, and starts to head towards the elevator but before he can get there Jim stumbles into the hallway, apparently as eager as Will to make an exit. He grabs Will's arm and Will looks down at Jim's hand, eyebrows raised. Jim knows Will's fucking with him, so he ignores the look and tries to muster the courage to say what he needs to say; Will may be a jackass but he's still Jim's boss.

'Listen, Will - what Mac said - about hating -' he starts, not quite knowing how to put this. 'I don't _hate_ ...' he begins again, but Will pulls him into the room next door and indicates Lonny should follow.

Will can see Jim's a little nervous and he wishes he wasn't because Will knows he deserves everything Jim has ever said to or about him. 'Look, Jim, I don't blame you. You've seen me be pretty shitty to Mac and you're protective of her. I get it. But honestly, that's all over with.'

Will's almost pleading now but Jim thinks 'shitty' is too mild an adjective to describe Will's behaviour over the last 15 months and 'appalling' or 'odious' or 'repugnant' would have been much better word choices but he knows he can't say that even if Will did sound like he wanted Jim's approval 20 seconds ago so he settles for, 'Yeah, well, I still don't get it.'

'What?'

'Yesterday - one minute you're with Nina and the next you're confessing your love to Mac. Seems pretty contradictory, that's all.'

Will sighs and raises an eyebrow. 'Feeling pretty ballsy these days, aren't you, Jim?'

'Maybe.'

Will's starving but apparently the gods of Olympus are going to force him to have this conversation again so he might as well get it over with. He motions to Lonny to sit down because he knows Lonny's another one who's not too thrilled with the way Will's treated MacKenzie. He thinks maybe he should take an ad out in the _Times_ or hold a press conference so he doesn't have to keep repeating aspects of the same story over and over again; even if the story makes him look like a dick at least he could get on with his life.

'I'll tell you why it seemed contradictory,' Will says, trying to find the right words to describe just how cut off from his own psyche he was until yesterday. 'I didn't know I was still in love with Mac until I saw her lying there in a pool of her own blood.'

He can see the impatience in Jim's eyes so he's not surprised to hear, 'Come on, Will. No one can be that repressed - not even you.'

Will doesn't know why it's so important for him to gain Jim's respect, maybe it's because Jim is Mac's protege, but it is, so he keeps going. 'It _is_ possible to be that out of touch with your feelings. I'm living proof. I literally _did. not. know._ how I felt about her until yesterday. It was as surprising to me as it was to you.'

'Bullshit,' Jim says, unable to keep the scepticism out of his voice. He has a feeling his own word choice is going to bite him in the ass but it's too late now and he's relieved when Will doesn't seem to be insulted.

'It really isn't. You have to understand - I've spent years convincing myself I wasn't in love with her - that every dream, every positive feeling I've had about her since she came back was just because I was still attracted to her. I didn't _want_ to be in love with her - she hurt me and I wasn't going to be some fucking doormat. But when I saw her lying there yesterday, when I almost _lost_ her, it finally hit me that I have been a total fucking moron to hold on to the past instead of building a life with the only woman I have ever loved. And you know how I know it's right, that it's going to last? Because last night was the first night in four fucking years I didn't dream about her. I love her, Jim and I'm _not_ going to hurt her anymore. You can count on it.'

'Yeah, well, that sounds good on paper, but how can you be sure?'

Will's head is pounding and Jesus, he really needs some food and coffee but he tries to keep the impatience out of his voice as he tells Jim about the article that laid it all out for him.

'You know, I read an article in the waiting room last night that said forgiveness is a choice. It said that at some point you have to stop bitching, decide what you want, and turn the corner; you either live with your bitterness or you live with the person you love, and that's what I'm going to do. She made a mistake but I've made plenty more since she came back. I'm not saying I'm not gonna fuck up again but I promise you that it won't be for lack of trying.'

Jim takes a moment to consider Will's words. 'I'll believe it when I see it.'

'I guess you will,' Will says, but he really doesn't care. If Jim doesn't believe him, he can go fuck himself. He's not going to waste any more time trying to convince him - at least not today. Will knows the truth and if it takes the next five years to prove it to MacKenzie's parents, to Jim, to Lonny, and to any other non-believer, that's what he'll do. He knows the truth and MacKenzie does too, unless her father's talked her out of it but even if he has, Will thinks he'll be able to talk her back into it, even if it takes a while, and not for any nefarious reason. He loves her and he will not hurt her again and he's never been more sure of anything in his life. The shooting flipped an emotional switch in Will and for the first time he just doesn't give a shit when he thinks about what happened with Brian. MacKenzie is _alive. _He has a second chance with her _and he will not waste it_.

'Lonny, I am so fucking hungry I could eat this chair and I seriously need some coffee,' he says out loud. 'Mind if we go to the cafeteria?'

'Sure thing, Romeo.'

'Care to join us, Jim?' Will offers.

'Uh, no thanks. Tell Mac I'll be back during visiting hours tonight.'

'OK.'

'See you then.' Jim watches as Will walks out of the room and down the hall.

'We'll see,' Jim says to himself softly. 'For Mac's sake, you'd better be right.'

* * *

MacKenzie opens her eyes and sees her father looking down at her.

'Hi Dad, how long have I been asleep?'

'About an hour. Your mum went to get us some tea. How are you feeling?'

'Better - more - clear-headed. Is Will back?'

'Not yet - listen, MacKenzie. I'd like to have that talk with you right now - I know you love William but I really want you to consider your decision to accept his proposal.'

'Dad, I know you're worried about me, but I'm not going to change my mind. Will is...I can't explain it...he is the love of my life. And we finally have our chance at happiness and I'm going to take it.'

'MacKenzie, if William is the love of your life, why did you cheat on him?'

'Because I didn't realize I was in love with him _until_ I cheated on him. When I first started seeing Will I was hung up on Brian because he'd rejected me, and I was using Will to make him jealous.'

'How do you know you're not doing the same thing right now? What if the only reason you want Will back is because he rejected you? The situations sound awfully similar. I'm not asking you to change your mind, MacKenzie. I'm just asking you to consider your motivation. Please.'

MacKenzie can see the fear and fatigue in her father's face. She knows what it looks like from the outside but she doesn't have the energy to try to convince him. She decides to do what he asks and think about it because he's right - this is a huge step and pain meds and being shot and anesthesia aren't that conducive to clear-headed thinking. 'I will, Dad. I promise.'

When Will walks in an hour later, MacKenzie looks tense. He suspects she and her father have had that chat but he's had three cups of coffee and breakfast so he's fortified and ready to do whatever it takes to ease MacKenzie's mind.

Lady McHale suggests to her husband that they go get some tea.

'We just had tea,' Lord McHale says, not looking up from his paperwork.

'Well, I'd like some more,' she says firmly.

'Alright,' Lord McHale grumbles.

After they leave, Will pulls up a chair next to MacKenzie's bed. She doesn't invite him to climb in which confirms his suspicion that she's having second thoughts. 'How are you feeling, Sweetheart? Can I get you anything?'

'No, thanks.' She clutches the blanket, rubbing the rough fabric between her thumb and forefingers.

'Want to talk about it?'

'Will, I love you but what the fuck are we doing? Why did you ask me to marry you when you've spent practically every minute since I came back punishing me?'

Will picks up her hand and strokes it gently. 'MacKenzie, listen to me. I've been in love with you since the day we met and that never changed but I didn't _want_ to love you. I hated the fact that I couldn't get over you so I tried to punish you. I'm so sorry for being a jerk and we need to talk about this but if you've changed your mind about getting married, I understand. And if you're undecided, I know I have a lot to prove to you and I can wait until you know what you want. I don't want to rush you - I just want you to get well. That's the only thing that matters.'

'My father thinks the only reason I want to be with you is because I'm trying to get 'un-rejected.' He thinks I want to be with you for the same reason I went back to Brian when you and I were first dating.'

'Do you think he's right?'

'I don't know. I don't think so but I don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships. It's worth thinking about.'

'It is, and you should. What evidence do you have that he's right?'

'You did reject me, and I've hated feeling that way, that I couldn't get you back. In some ways I think I've thought that if you don't love me it must be because I'm not lovable - which is exactly how I felt with Brian.'

'Is there any evidence to support the other side?'

'After I broke it off with Brian when you and I were still seeing each other, I fell in love with you hook, line and sinker. I could have had a relationship with Brian but I chose you.'

'Is there any chance you chose me because you knew that if you ever told me the truth we'd break up? Maybe it was a pre-emptive strike - you wanted me because you knew I'd reject you if I ever found out the truth.'

'No. I loved you, Will, for the man you were.'

'But the man I _am_ is someone who's treated you like crap for the last 15 months. How can you still love me? Maybe you're in love with the old me and that guy may or may not exist. And if you do love me, why didn't you answer that voice mail?' he tries to hide the hurt but he can't help noticing his voice sounds high-pitched and plaintive.

'What voice mail?'

'The one I left you after the Bin Laden broadcast. You know, the one that started out, 'Hi, it's me - I'm not just telling you because I'm high...'

'You never left me a message like that.'

'Mac - come on. I know you didn't forget what it said.'

'Will, I have no idea what you're talking about and I'm too tired for '20 questions', so can you please get to the point? What did the message say?'

'You don't remember? You really don't? It was definitely your voice on the answering machine that night - how is it possible that you didn't get it?'

'I don't know and I don't care so either tell me what the fucking message said or _shut up_ so I can close my eyes.'

'It said I never stopped loving you and if you didn't feel the same you should just ignore the message. And you did.'

MacKenzie forgets how to breathe as she tries to process Will's words. _What the fuck? _She's no longer tired but stunned.

'What? Say it again.'

'It said I never stopped loving you.'

The shock travels through every nerve ending in her body and makes her dizzy. She feels like she's about to break out in a sweat and shakily wipes her finger across her forehead. Now she's incredulous. And _angry._

'Are you fucking _kidding_ me?' she explodes. 'That was _six months_ ago! Is that why you started dating Nina Howard? Because I didn't answer a message that I never got?'

Will looks down, ashamed. Can she be telling the truth? _Shit._

'Jesus Christ, Will - even if I didn't feel the same way, do you really think I wouldn't say anything? Do you know me at _all_?!

'Settle down, Kenz. You really never got the message?'

'No! For fuck's sake! If I'd gotten that message do you think there's any chance in hell I wouldn't have beaten a path to your door that very night? I wouldn't have ignored it - no matter how I felt! Jesus!' Something dawns on MacKenzie and a cold feeling settles in the pit of her stomach. 'That's why you brought Brian in. To punish me for not returning your feelings.'

'Yes,' he says, looking away.

'Well, passive aggressive _is_ your middle name. Are you done punishing me or do I have something else to atone for?' she says accusingly.

'I'm done.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes. I'm sorry - it - never occurred to me that you never got the message. Fuck. I'm so sorry.'

_The man has the emotional maturity of a ten-year old_.

'Jesus, Will. You assumed - and Nina - and Brian - fuck. I can't believe it.'

MacKenzie can't look at Will because if she does she's afraid she's going to reach over the bedrail, grab his collar and throttle him. She half-thinks it would be worth it but she'd probably pull her stitches out. She sees his hand reaching through the bedrail and he tentatively entwines her fingers with his. His touch is warm and comforting and she wants so badly to forget the last five minutes so she can get back to being madly in love with him but her father's words echo in her ears and she knows she needs to think this through. She loves him, there's no question about that, but is she in love with the Will she fell in love with or the banged up, dented version in the chair next to her? And what about her? She's not the same person she was four years ago, the one he fell in love with. Do the two of them, as they are now, fit together anymore?


	12. Chapter 12

She can't look at him. There's a huge chasm between them and she doesn't know how to get across it even though he's right there. The pain under her rib cage is throbbing so she screws her eyes shut and tries to hold back the tears because she's afraid she's going to start sobbing from the pain and exhaustion and the fear that they're too far apart to ever come back together again but she can't do that, not with her parents due back any minute, so she stifles it until she feels him pick up her hand and place her palm against his cheek. Hot tears dampen her fingers so she knows she's not the only one crying and she thinks her parents are going to hate him for making _her_ cry but she needs to see him so she opens her eyes and looks at him, looks at those beautiful blue, red-rimmed eyes and she can see that he is _so, so sorry_. It's the face of the man she loves, whatever fucking incarnation this is, and she can't help it, she needs him and she loves him and she wants him as much as she always has.

'Come here,' she says, and he's up like a shot, climbing into bed with her, burying his face in her hair and whispering, like an incantation, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you so much, Kenz, I need you so much, please don't give up on us, please.' His voice catches and she's afraid he's going to start crying in earnest and won't her parents love that so she turns her head toward him, takes a moment to breathe in his heavenly scent and it's enough to calm her, to allow her to say, 'Shhhh…it's okay,' and actually mean it. He can't get close enough but he knows this is as close as he's going to get for at least the next few weeks so he settles for burrowing his face into the side of her neck and she can feel his breathing relax so she knows she's calmed him down, that some of the terror has receded. Only now he can't see her and he _needs_ to see her, to confirm that she's still okay so he pulls back and looks up and she stares into his eyes and then she leans forward so she can press her lips against his in a kiss so tender and sweet it knocks the breath right out of him and he can feel everything she wants to say but can't – not yet - not in words.

He literally wants to cry with relief and she can't help sucking at his lower lip because it's been so long since he was hers to kiss and his breath smells like peppermint and coffee and it feels so good, so _right_ to have him pressed up against her. There are so many things she wants to say – chief among them _how can you be such a fucking imbecile?_ and _you'd better be through punishing me_ but she settles for moaning and skating her tongue across his upper lip. For a moment she forgets she's been shot and she's trying to figure out how to deepen the kiss because she just wants to feel his tongue in her mouth only it's awkward as fuck because her head's on a pillow and his isn't. He senses her discomfort and raises himself on one elbow, using his mouth and one hand to press her gently against the pillow and she tangles her fingers in his hair, pulls him closer and moans when she finally feels his tongue snaking over her lips, his breath hot in her mouth and God, she has never wanted anyone or anything as much as she wants Will McAvoy in this moment so she smashes their faces together and it's hard to breathe but she doesn't care because she's trying to nurse his tongue and then she moves in a way that causes her bandage to hitch and then she's moaning in pain but he knows the difference so he pulls back as quick and as far as he can, almost falling out of bed in the process.

'Jesus, did I hurt you?!' he says, and she remembers that's exactly what he'd said when he made her moan yesterday on the floor of the bullpen.

'No – I'm okay - just - twisted - the wrong way.'

Her face is screwed up in pain so he hops down from the bed to give her enough room – for what he's not sure – to move, maybe – or to writhe in agony.

'Should we call the nurse?'

'No, it's okay.'

He mentally kicks himself for forgetting himself, for forgetting where they are and why they're there. _She almost died less than 24 hours ago and here I am making out with her – what a goddamned idiot!_

She's taking deep breaths and the pain is receding and she opens her eyes long enough to see that he's parked himself back in the chair next to her bed.

'Better?' he says, taking her hand.

'Yes,' she says, and squeezes it. She needs to tell him her plans and she wants to get it over with but she can't quite bring herself to look at him so it's his shoulder she's staring at when she finally speaks and she's glad because it's close enough to see the broad outlines of his reaction but not so close that she has to confront the pain in his eyes.

'My parents are going to look after me when I get out of the hospital,' she says stiffly, and she sees his shoulder tense as he cocks his head to look at her questioningly. She raises her eyes to look at him and he opens his mouth to say something but ends up nodding instead when he sees from the expression on her face that she will brook no argument. There's sadness there but determination, too and he knows that he will need to be patient if he's going to prove to her that they still belong together but he thinks he's ready for that fight and he intends to win.

At that moment the door swings open and her parents walk in, paper cups full of hot tea and coffee in each hand. Lord McHale offers one to Will and he takes it gratefully because it gives him something to do with the hand that isn't holding MacKenzie's. She takes a cup from her mother and sips it slowly, letting the hot liquid slip down her throat, which has a lump in it. She doesn't let go of Will's hand because it's warm and comforting and she wants so badly to have him back in bed with her but her parents are there and she doesn't really know what she'd say to him even if they weren't.

Will looks lost, and she wants to reassure him so she says to her parents, 'I was just telling Will you'll be looking after me when I get out of the hospital.' She looks at Will and says, 'That way you can still do the show but maybe you can come by after?'

'I –' he says, and then stops. He doesn't want her parents looking after her – that's _his_ job, and he doesn't want to go to work until she's back in the office with him, where he knows she's safe. _He_ wants to take care of her, because it's the only way he can be certain that she's okay and now that he's pulled his head out of his ass and knows what he wants, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, taking care of her, all he wants is for the rest of his life to start right now. But he knows he's got a lot to prove, so he just nods his head slowly. 'Every night,' he says. 'I'll come by every night after the show,' and she gives him a tight smile and he knows she doesn't want to hurt him but he also knows she isn't sure but he'll take what he can get.

He doesn't know what his place is now that her parents are here, and he wonders if maybe he should leave and come back when they're not but he doesn't know when that might be and he can't exactly ask. He's saved by Sloan's entrance and after the introductions to MacKenzie's parents are made he decides he'll come back later.

'Kenz, I've got some things to do today so how about if I come back later? I can take the evening shift – give your parents some time to relax.'

Lord McHale looks at him. 'That will be fine, William. We were planning to go back to the hotel around four.'

'Fine – I'll be back around then. Kenz, is there anything you want me to bring from your apartment?'

'No – I'm okay.'

'Okay. He gives her a quick peck on the cheek and heads for the door. Sloan can't help but notice that his shoulders are sagging.

MacKenzie's parents move to the edge of the room. Lord McHale starts back on his paperwork and Lady McHale resumes knitting.

'Are you okay?' Sloan asks. 'Will seems upset.'

'I'm fine – just a little tired.' MacKenzie sighs. 'He's upset because he wants to look after me when I get out of the hospital but I don't think that's a good idea.'

'Why not?' Sloan sits down, looking at her friend appraisingly.

'Everything's happened so fast, Sloan. One minute he's with Nina and the next he's asking me to marry him.'

'He proposed?! Tell me you did _not_ turn him down!'

'Of course not – I said yes.'

'But now you're having second thoughts.'

'Yes. How do I know which Will McAvoy will be standing at the altar? The one I fell in love with or the one who's been punishing me for the last 15 months?'

'MacKenzie, we both know Will can be a jackass but he's a jackass who loves you.'

'Is that what we're calling the art of exacting revenge these days? 'Love'? If we are, then he's madly in love with me, I'll give you that.'

'The Will you fell in love with is still in there.'

'How do you know?'

Sloan looks at MacKenzie's parents and says, 'Is it okay to talk about this in front of your parents?'

MacKenzie looks at her mother, whom she knows has her hearing aid turned up full blast. She isn't sure her father's listening, though, since she knows from experience that these types of conversations bore him to tears. Either way, she doesn't much care – after what she vaguely remembers saying this morning while high on painkillers, she doesn't think much would surprise them.

'Yes – they know everything.'

'Okay, then. I know because I saw his face last night. You should have seen him – he was absolutely terrified he was going to lose you.

'He thinks I'm a good EP.'

'It's a lot more than that, MacKenzie. You're the love of his life, which he did not hesitate to announce to everyone in the newsroom and again in the waiting room last night when Jim looked like he was going to punch his lights out.'

'He certainly hasn't been treating me as if I were the love of his life. Quite the opposite.'

'I don't think Will admitted to himself until yesterday that he's still in love with you. I think he didn't want to know. He told me last night that the reason he couldn't forgive you before was that he was afraid that if he did he'd be just like his mother, who put up with his father's crap because she didn't want to be alone. He said he felt like shit every time he hurt you or pushed you away but he felt compelled to do it so he could prove to himself that he was stronger than his mother, and that he could always keep himself safe.'

'So he thinks I'm just like his father,' MacKenzie says, feeling the tears prick at her eyes.

'He said that he'd been looking at what happened between you through the eyes of a child instead of an adult and that even though you broke his heart, you weren't like his father. What you did wasn't a pattern, it wasn't a lifelong habit, it was something you did before you were serious about him. He said except for that, you'd done everything right and that he knows now he's been a fool to punish you when he should have been spending every minute since you came back to ACN worshipping you.'

'He used the word 'worship'?'

'He did. He loves you, Mac, and I would bet every penny I earn that he is done punishing you. What happened yesterday put the fear of God into him. He's a changed man - or – he's reverted back to his true form – or - something.' Sloan looks at MacKenzie. 'Feel better?'

'I do, thank you,' she says honestly.

'What about Jack?' Sloan pipes up.

'Oh God. Jack. He was right there, wasn't he, so I guess I don't really need to talk to him.'

'I mean – do you have feelings for him?'

'No, I meant what I told you before. Will is it for me. I can't explain it – he just _is_. But Jack's a lovely man. You should ask him out.'

'Maybe I will – he is cute. And smart.' Sloan waited a beat. 'So now that I've confessed Will's darkest secrets, do you want to tell me how you feel about him?'

'I just told you. He's it for me but what happens if we can't put ourselves back together?'

'You don't give up until you do.'

'Since when did you become the office romantic?'

'MacKenzie, I have never seen two people who love each other as much as you do. It's in everything he says to you, even when he's being a jerk. It's in the way he looks at you when he thinks you're not paying attention. Did you know that he always gets in early so he can be the first one to say hello when you get there?'

'He doesn't!'

'He _does_. Don't you ever wonder why he's always standing around when you get in? He knows you get there at 8:00 so at 7:55 he starts walking around, talking to people, making himself look busy but by 8:00 he's standing near the door, looking at the clock. He's waiting for you - every day.'

_Could that be true?_

'And he always makes sure you eat – he knows you forget so he watches your office to make sure you go out for lunch. If he has to go out he makes Maggie or Tess watch and report back. And if you haven't gone anywhere by 2:00 he'll go down and get you something.'

'He only does that when he's going to get something for himself anyway!' MacKenzie protested.

'Maybe that's what he tells you but he eats at 12:30 on the dot every day. If he goes out after that it's to make sure you have something to eat. And when you look like you haven't slept or aren't feeling well he'll tell everyone behind your back that you need to take it easy today so if they have any problems they should come to him first.'

MacKenzie shakes her head, disbelieving. _Could it be true? _Could he have cared about her all along, even while he was making her life miserable? She feels the tears welling up again.

'Aren't those the kinds of things the old Will did? The one you fell in love with?' Sloan said gently. 'Well, there's your proof that he's still in there. He just didn't want you to know.'


	13. Chapter 13

MacKenzie swallows hard and Sloan can see the tears in her eyes are threatening to spill over.

'Listen, Kenz,' Sloan says gently. 'I'm not trying to upset you. I just don't want you thinking Will's been a total ass when he's only been a partial one. So…are you convinced or do I need to go on?'

MacKenzie sniffs. 'I don't know. Can you?'

Sloan snorts. 'I can – but don't tell Will.' She pulls up a chair and drags it close to the bed. 'Did you know that he keeps a stash of your favorite tea in his office so he can restock the kitchen whenever you run out? He does the same thing with those almonds you snack on - haven't you ever wondered why the bowl is always full?'

'I thought Charlie had them on standing order for us,' MacKenzie says, her voice quavering.

'Nope. It's Will. And remember when Reese reduced our print newspaper budget so that now we only get one copy of _The_ _Times_?'

MacKenzie nods. 'Yes – he thought it was stupid to subscribe to a UK paper but we talked him into keeping one copy.'

'Wrong again. Reese cancelled it but Will got his own subscription because he knows reading the _Times_ helps you feel a little less homesick.'

MacKenzie's lips tremble. 'Did he really? Oh, Sloan…he did care – all this time – he never stopped.'

'He never did,' Sloan says, placing a hand on MacKenzie's shoulder. Her eyes twinkle and she says, 'So do us all a favor and forget the last 15 months. That way, you can be happy and everyone in the office can stop talking about the unresolved sexual tension between you two,' she whispers the last part then sits up straighter in her chair. 'Oh…_crap_.' She purses her lips and snaps her fingers. 'I lost the bet!'

MacKenzie's eyebrows knit together. 'What bet?'

'The one on whether you or Will would be the first one to crack.'

'You have a bet with someone about my love life?' MacKenzie asks.

'Not 'someone' – the whole office – it's a betting pool and I thought for sure Will was going to break first but you did – right? It was definitely you because…' MacKenzie tries to interrupt but Sloan shushes her. She wants to get this straight because if she remembers correctly there's at least $500 in the pot (from Charlie, mostly). 'Wait a minute,' she says, trying to remember the sequence of events. 'Yeah - you were lying there and Will wouldn't stop talking so you told him to shut up because he needed to listen and then you told him you never stopped loving him and then _he _told you he'd never stopped loving _you_ and then the violins started to play - right?'

'Except for the blood pooling around me, that's exactly what happened, yes.'

'Well, I guess I lost then.' Sloan sits back, disappointed. However, she's always been one to look on the bright side, so she says, 'Doesn't matter, though. At least we can all stop talking about it.'

'Have we been that tiresome?'

'No, not really. Well, yes, but that's okay. Really.'

MacKenzie juts out her chin defiantly. 'I'm sorry about that but I'm curious to know who thought_ I_ would be the one to break first.'

Sloan shrugs. 'Don, I think, and Martin. The men – it's easy for them to think a woman will cave. Charlie didn't, though – he picked Will.'

'_Charlie's_ in the pool?'

'Who do you think started it? Now tell me more about Jack.'

* * *

MacKenzie falls asleep after Sloan leaves, so her parents make their way to the café for lunch. Lord McHale doesn't bother picking up his fork: there's no sense starting to eat when his wife won't let him finish. He knows it's only a matter of time before he's asked to weigh in on his daughter's conversation with her friend.

Lady McHale picks up her fork but Lord McHale thinks it's mainly for decorative purposes: there's no way she's going to use it until they've discussed their daughter and her erstwhile fiancé.

'Were you listening when the girls were talking?' Lady McHale begins.

He sighs, looking longingly at his pasta salad. 'It was difficult to avoid.'

'And?' she prompts.

'I don't know – I'm happy to hear that apparently Will looks out for MacKenzie but I'm starting to think she might benefit from psychiatric services.'

'Harold. You can't be serious.'

'I _am_ - her relationships with men are unhealthy. I don't know where she gets it – probably your side of the family because your sister was no better – but she seems to only want the ones she can't have and when she gets them she starts looking for a way out.'

'She wasn't looking for a way out when she cheated on Will. She was looking to get un-rejected.'

'Oh, well that's _much_ better,' he scoffs. 'Why are you suddenly so pro-William anyway? It wasn't too long ago you were saying you wanted his guts for garters.'

'I've always been fond of Will – I haven't liked the way he's behaved toward MacKenzie in recent years but I didn't like what she did to him either. And after hearing what he told Sloan about why he's behaved as he has, I'm inclined to think that part is all over with. And all the little things he does for her around the office - he clearly loves her, Harold. Besides, if he'd asked her to marry him four years ago you know you'd have supported him.'

'But it's not four years ago, Helen – it's today, and you know I was very fond of William, too. In fact it's hard for me to reconcile the Will I knew with the stories she's told about him. And they do seem to care for one another – deeply. But what happens when they disagree on something? Is he going to revert back to punishing her again?' He picks up his fork and looks at his wife. 'It's extremely unsettling. Now, I'm hungry and I'd like to eat my lunch before the evening meal. Can we please discuss this later – preferably back at the hotel?'

'Of course, dear.'

* * *

It's 3:45 and MacKenzie's trying not to stare at the clock. It seems like ages since she's seen him and Sloan's confessions have done wonders for her frame of mind. She now knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter how angry he was, no matter how much he blamed her, he _never stopped caring._ That doesn't mean things will necessarily go smoothly for them, but it's a start.

Five minutes later the door swings open and there he is, dressed in a blue sweater she loves because it makes his eyes seem so, so blue. He's carrying a gym bag and her heart starts hammering in her chest the second she sees him and it's the same visceral reaction she's had since the day she fell in love with him. She can tell he's a little self-conscious because he stands awkwardly outside the door, waiting to be invited in.

'Billy,' MacKenzie calls out. 'Come in.'

He sets the gym bag down on the floor and walks over to her bed, nodding to her parents as he moves. He bends down to kiss her softly on the cheek.

'I'm glad you're here,' she whispers. 'I missed you.'

'I missed you, too,' he says softly.

The sound of her voice has its usual effect and he's glad he's chosen loose-fitting khakis for the occasion. Still, her parents are in the room so he sticks his hand in his pocket, grabs the straightened paper clip and gives himself a quick jab in the thigh. _That's better. _He straightens up and moves to the end of the bed, watching her watch her parents as they stand up and gather their things, then walk over to say goodbye.

'We'll see you tomorrow morning, Mackie,' her father says, kissing her cheek, and when he stands back up he looks down at her with the same look that has warmed her heart since childhood. Her mother kisses her on the forehead saying, 'Get some rest, dear. I love you.'

Lady McHale turns and heads for the door but before she gets there she stops in front of Will. He reaches out to shake her hand but she stuns him by pulling him in for a hug. She kisses him on the cheek and then she's out the door, leaving him staring after her with moist eyes. Her father shakes his hand and claps him on the shoulder. Will nods, too moved to say anything. One of the hardest things about losing Mac the first time was losing her parents, too, who in some ways had been kinder to him than his own.

MacKenzie can see the emotions play across his face and she wishes she could do something to take away the pain of the small boy inside him, the one who only ever wanted his parents' love.

'They love you, Billy,' she says, referring to her own parents. 'They always have.'

He blinks and nods, then comes to the bed and sits down in the chair.

He looks at her searchingly and asks quietly, 'Do you?'

'I do,' she says certainly. 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you – I just need to know what that's going to look like, exactly.'

Will's relief is almost palpable, but they're not out of the woods yet.

'Meaning?' he says, and looks at her with trepidation. She wants to assuage his fear, but she also needs to make sure his behavior over the last 15 months was an aberration and not the new norm.

'If we do this, what's it going to look like when you get angry with me again? Are you done punishing me?'

'I think so – but I am going to talk to Habib to make sure. I want this to work, Mac. I think we each need to figure out what we want, what will make us happy and if we're on the same page and I hope to Christ we are, we have to stop talking about it, take a leap of faith and jump off the cliff together. We have to stop thinking about the past and focus on the present and the future. We're either in or we're out. We decide and we commit and we just do it – every day.' He looks at her closely and strokes her fingers. 'When you think about your future, what do you want it to look like?'

'You,' she says without hesitation. 'And News Night. But I'm … nervous.'

'About?'

'Knowing what I want, but afraid it isn't necessarily good for me. Does that make sense?'

'Yes - but only you can decide that.'

'I know. What do you need from me?'

'To be sure that if you say you're in you're _in_ – for the rest of your life. And that's a long time, which is why you need to be sure. Can you truly imagine spending the rest of your life with me? And if you can, would that honestly make you happy? Deep down inside? You have to figure that out and only you can do it.'

'You're right. But what about you, Will? I'm not the same woman you fell in love with. How do you know you'll be happy with me?'

'I'm tired of holding on to the past, Kenz. I miss you - I miss_ us,_ and what happened yesterday made me see how stupid I've been, how much time I've wasted. You are the only woman I have ever loved and I want to look forward instead of backward. I'm as sure as I have ever been that I want you back, but you need to think about whether that's what you want. I made the mistake last time of scaring you off and I won't do that again. You think about it, take as long as you need, and let me know. I'll be here, waiting for you, MacKenzie. And if you change your mind, if you decide you don't want to be with me, I'll understand. I won't like it but I promise that no matter what happens I'm going to talk to Habib and figure out a way to not punish you for making that decision. I'm not sure how I can make that promise but I really feel like I can. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I want you to be happy - with me or…' He pauses for a moment, then takes a deep breath. '…without me. Whether you're with Jack or someone else.'


	14. Chapter 14

MacKenzie stares at him quizzically, eyebrows raised. How could he think, after everything she's said to him within the last 24 hours – let alone the last four years – that she could ever want anyone but him? _The man had a 94% conviction rate as a prosecutor. How can he be so dense?_

'You really are clueless, you know that?' she says.

'What?'

She rolls her eyes. 'Get up here,' she commands, lifting the covers on her bed so he can slide underneath.

'Mac – _'_

'_Now_.'

Now it's his turn to roll his eyes but he does as she asks and gets up, moves to the side of the bed and clambers under the blanket. She lays the blanket back down so that it's covering them both and it's warm and cozy and she loves having him so near her because it calms her like nothing else ever has. He's lying on his side, pressed up against her, with one hand on top of the blanket and the other wedged between his thigh and her hip. She's not wearing any pants and he can feel the lace of her panties next to his fingers and her skin is hot and so soft, and he's glad she hasn't said anything yet because it's all he can do to keep his fingers to himself let alone listen. He looks up at her, trying to figure out what's on her mind and her expression softens when she sees the confusion in his eyes. She understands that he's trying to be noble for her, trying to give her what she needs – what she _might_ need - but what she needs for _him_ to understand is that there is no one else for her and there never will be - not so long as he walks the Earth. She lets go of his hand and grimaces as she turns to face him, bringing her own hand up to his cheek, caressing it tenderly as she stares intently into his blue, blue eyes.

'I don't want Jack or anyone else,' she says, and her voice is hoarse with emotion because it's impossible, really, to be flip or sarcastic when he's right next to her. 'I just want _you_, Billy,' she says haltingly and his name comes out gravelly, like she's got something stuck in the back of her throat. She presses their foreheads together and then pulls back to look at him but he's looking at her skeptically so she knows he's not convinced.

'What?' she says, sighing.

He can see how emotional she is and so is he but he's a little confused, too, and the heat of her body pressed firmly against his is making it hard to think. Still, he really doesn't know where her head is at at any given moment so he needs to say it. 'I want you too, Sweetheart,' he says gently. 'But you're all over the place – first you tell me you love me, then you have second thoughts because of what your parents might think and now you're back to wanting me again. I'm not sure which 'you' to believe.'

The emotion of the last 30 seconds evaporates and she says indignantly, '_I'm_ all over the place!? You're the one who hasn't been able to make up his mind – you've spent the last 15 months either torturing me or looking at me with googly eyes.'

Will chuckles. 'You noticed, huh?'

'The whole _office _noticed, Will, which is why there's a betting pool on which one of us would break first!'

'Really? Wow - that's … embarrassing but … never mind. Look, the point is it just seems like you've been having second thoughts since your parents arrived.'

'I wasn't having second thoughts - I was trying to look at the situation _rationally_ but I should have known that's impossible because rational thought doesn't even enter into it when it comes to how I feel about you!'

'Oh, so is that how it is?' he says heatedly. 'You want me against your will – against your better judgment? That's not the healthiest foundation for us to start out on, Mac.'

'That is _not_ what I'm saying and you know it. I'm just looking at the facts and the facts are that I could no more stop loving you than I could sprout wings and fly,' she says, exasperated. His expression softens and he leans in to kiss her cheek.

'Don't try to distract me, Will. The immutable fact is that for better or worse, I'm stuck with loving you. And that means my only chance at happiness is with you. But I can only be happy _with_ you if you get your shit together and see Habib, do whatever it takes to stop punishing me.'

'I can do that,' he says simply, pressing himself more firmly against her. 'And you know what? It's going to be a lot easier than I thought. I just wish I'd known that when you first came back. Or before you left in the first place.'

'What do you mean?'

'I didn't realize that as soon as I decided to put what happened with Brian behind me that everything else would just fall into place. I love you, MacKenzie. I just _do_ – and I will love you until the day I die and that is literally the only thing that matters. Then again – maybe it wouldn't have been possible to put the past behind me when you first came back because I took you for granted; maybe you can never really appreciate what you have until you lose it – or almost lose it.'

'You're talking in riddles, William.'

'I'm just saying that as of yesterday afternoon I have officially put the past behind us. It's over and I just want to spend the next 40 years loving you.'

'Can you do that? I mean, happily?'

'Ecstatically,' he says, smiling, and kisses her again on the cheek.

'Really?'

He nods. 'Blissfully,' he says and kisses the tip of her nose. She can't help smiling

'Passionately…' he says, nibbling her earlobe and sending shivers down her spine.

'Rapturously… ' he whispers, and then dips his head down to tenderly press his lips against hers. 'I am head over heels in love with you, Kenz. For the rest of my life – that's never gonna change,' he whispers.

She grabs him by the back of the head and smashes their faces together, feeling his hot tongue parting her lips and his hand skating over her hardened nipples. 'I love you, Billy – God, I love you,' she says, and he responds in kind and then they start making out in earnest, all tongues and soft sighs, luxuriating in the freedom of finally, finally being able to express what they feel. Their hands are in each other's hair and they're so intent on each other they don't notice the door open or her father walking in but Lord McHale doesn't say a word; he just picks up the papers he's forgotten and exits quietly.

A few moments later the nurse comes in, dragging a rolling IV stand. The noise alerts them to her presence and they pull back from one another, embarrassed. 'Time for you to start walking around,' she tells MacKenzie, and pulls the bedrail down. 'You can walk with her,' she says to Will. 'Just have to take the IV drip.' She helps MacKenzie put on her robe and slippers. They open the door and Lonny is there, and he escorts them down the halls. Mac's exhausted by the time they get back so Lonny gets Will a sandwich and he eats it while MacKenzie picks at her own dinner. She turns on the TV and her room has cable so they watch a movie and by 8:00 she's ready for bed. She starts yawning, and suddenly catches sight of the gym bag.

'What's in the bag?'

'I loaded a few movies on the iPad I thought you might like.'

'What are the clothes?' she says, seeing a bit of blue fabric peeking out from the open zipper.

'Just … pajamas.'

'Pajamas?'

Will nods sheepishly.

'I see. Well, if you're sleeping with me tonight you'd better tell Lonny he can go.'

'Is it okay? I mean, if I sleep here?'

'What do you think?'

'OK, I'll tell him.'

When he comes back he stands awkwardly inside the door, waiting for admittance.

'I'm tired, Will. Put your pajamas on and come to bed.'

He starts to go into the bathroom to change, but she stops him.

'Wait – can I watch?' she says shyly. 'Please?'

'Mac – '

'I meant what I said earlier, Will,' she says seriously. 'I want to see your ass.'

He smiles then, a long, slow grin that spreads across his face. He stares at her as his fingers undo the buttons of his shirt. When he gets to the last one, both panels open to reveal the golden hair on his chest. He shrugs out of the sleeves and tosses it on the floor. She gasps at the sight of his well-defined pecs and taut abs. He's a tiny bit thicker around the middle but he is so goddamned beautiful it literally takes her breath away. The heat grows between her legs and she licks her lips, waiting for him to get to the button on his pants. He's got a look on his face she hasn't seen in years and when he finally lets the pants fall down around his ankles she's unable to keep from staring.

'You still have them!' she squeals, clapping her hand over her mouth. The silk boxers give the barest hint of the outlines of his manhood, which, from the looks of it, is growing.

'Of course – I've got everything you ever gave me,' he says gaily. He steps out of the pants, then turns his back to her as he bends down to grab his pajamas from the gym bag. The silk stretches taut as he moves and there it is – the outline of his perfect, glorious ass.

'God, you're beautiful, Billy,' she breathes. 'Turn around,' she says, wanting to see him in full bloom, but he shakes his head.

'Showtime's over, Sweetheart. Ask me again when you're not hooked up to an IV.'


	15. Chapter 15

The McHales are on London time so they're up at 4:00 and at the hospital by 6:00, armed with pastries and tea. They have no intention of waking MacKenzie up just yet – being near her is enough.

Lord McHale quietly opens the door and sighs when he sees his daughter isn't alone in her bed. She and Will are facing each other, their legs intertwined, her face tucked into his chest with his arm slung over her shoulder. His face is buried in her hair and her arm rests lightly on his side. Lord McHale wonders how the hell she can sleep like that with a gunshot wound to the abdomen but she _looks _comfortable.

The McHales sit down quietly, Lady McHale takes out her knitting and Lord McHale takes out a book. An hour later, Will starts to stir. He opens his eyes to see that just as in days of old, MacKenzie has burrowed into his chest. God, he's missed that feeling. He breathes in the scent of her hair, reveling in the nearness of her. Everything about his life seems completely different now – better – more colorful - with her by his side. Even the air filling his lungs seems different. She's his lifejacket, the one keeping him afloat and even though he can't believe it took him so long to pull his head out of his ass he tries not to dwell on it; she's here and they're together and that has to be enough. When he looks down he sees her eyes fluttering open so he says softly, 'Morning, Sweetheart,' and leans in to kiss her tenderly on the lips. He almost jumps out of his skin at the sound of Lord McHale's voice.

"Good morning, William. Don't they pay you enough to keep your own apartment?"

MacKenzie groans in protest, wide awake now. '_Dad._' Grimacing, she turns over to face her father, rubbing her ass against Will in the process.

'I asked Will to stay,' she says firmly. _Well, I would have if it had come to that._ 'And if you keep making snide remarks to him I'll be asking _you_ to leave.'

Lord McHale chuckles. 'Glad to see you're back to your old self, Mackie.'

MacKenzie groans. 'What time is it?'

'7:00.'

'How long have you been here?'

'About an hour,' her mother answers.

'You should have woken me up,' MacKenzie says sleepily.

'You need your rest, MacKenzie, which I imagine is hard to come by when you're sharing your bed,' her father says acerbically.

'Dad, will you give it a rest? I slept better in the last two nights than I have in the last four years,' she says, yawning.

She brings Will's arm down over her and snuggles against him. She can feel his erection against her ass and she's just sorry she can't help him with it. He makes a concerted effort to ignore his lower half and props himself up on one elbow, rubbing his fingers through his hair.

'Good morning, Lady McHale. Did you have a good night?'

'We're family now, William – or we will be shortly - so please call me Helen. And we did, thank you.'

Will can't help smiling. Why the fuck had they (okay, he) wasted so much time? He could have spent the last four years waking up to MacKenzie every day, being part of this family. _Don't go there_.

'Dad, would you mind going to the nurse's station and asking for some more water? Mum, can you show him where it is?'

Lord McHale looks at her strangely – he remembers perfectly well where the nurse's station is located - but he doesn't argue and soon he and his wife are out the door.

'Did you do that for my benefit?' Will asks.

'I did – I can feel you against me so here's your chance to get out of bed without being noticed.' She turns to face him and presses her lips against his. 'I just wish I could help you with it,' she whispers, her voice low and husky.

'So do I, Kenz. So do I.'

He lets his tongue skate over her lips for one brief second and then he hops out of bed, grabs his clothes and toiletries and heads to the bathroom to change. Lonny texts him to say he's on his way so after he's dressed Will pulls up a chair to wait.

'Have you set a date yet, Mackie?' he hears her mother ask.

'Not yet, Mum. But we will – soon. Right, Billy?' She looks to Will for confirmation and he smiles. He thinks he's smiled more in the last 48 hours than he has in the last four years.

'Whenever you want, Mac. You want to have it here or in the UK?'

'Here, I think. That way everyone from work can come. Do you mind, Mum?'

'No. I know your team is like a second family to you.'

'They are.'

'And Mac and I are the bickering parents,' Will says.

MacKenzie grins and is about to say something scathing to Will but Lonny arrives and Will asks him to accompany him to the café. Before they leave, he turns to MacKenzie's parents.

'Can I bring you anything? Or…would either of you like to join us?' Will says, hoping the answer is a resounding 'no'; staring Lord McHale down requires at least a cup of coffee – maybe two.

'I think I'll join you,' says Lord McHale. 'Do you want anything, Helen?'

'No, thank you.'

Lord McHale hasn't been in public with Will since his meteoric rise to fame so he's caught off guard by all the stares and whispers that greet them when they enter the café.

'Does it bother you?' Lord McHale asks when they sit down at their table. Lonny joins them because it's a crowded room and he needs to be right next to Will.

'It's tough,' Will says, unwrapping his breakfast sandwich. 'I mean, of course I'm grateful we even have an audience who knows who I am but it's hard to be in the moment when you're out in public – I mean, even now I can hardly concentrate on our conversation. I'm scanning the environment the whole time – trying to figure out if that guy who's staring at me is going to come over and start talking to me and how I'm going to handle it if he does.'

At that moment the young man comes over, paper and pen in hand. Lonny glances at Will, who nods, says hello, takes the outstretched piece of paper and scrawls his signature.

'I'm a big fan,' the man says. 'I tuned in for the first time during the BP oil spill and I've been watching ever since. You give the audience a perspective we don't get from the other networks. Thank you.'

'Really? That's great to hear,' Will says, nodding towards Lord McHale. 'But you should actually be thanking this man because his daughter is the one who's responsible for the direction our show has taken and the BP spill was literally her first day on the job,' Will says, handing the paper back to the man. 'Thanks for watching.'

Will turns back to his coffee and sandwich.

Lord McHale looks at Will thoughtfully, seemingly content to let him eat in silence but when he's finished Lord McHale says cryptically, 'MacKenzie can be fickle, you know.'

Will's head jerks up and he looks at Lord McHale questioningly. 'What?'

'Fickle. Sometimes I think she doesn't know her own mind.'

_Oh, so we're back to this again_, Will thinks and frankly, it pisses him off. He's sick and tired of Lord McHale's snide remarks. He likes Mac's father (or he used to) and he certainly doesn't want to get on his bad side but the time has come to shut him down.

''_Fickle_' is not a word I'd ever use to describe MacKenzie,' Will says firmly. 'She knows exactly what she wants and she's not afraid to go after it.'

'Perhaps when it comes to work but I think in her personal life it's another story.'

'_Especially_ in her personal life,' Will shoots back. 'She is as solid as a rock. She doesn't waver. Once she makes up her mind, that's it. There's no going back.'

'So you're sure about her?' Lord McHale probes.

'Look, I don't know where this is coming from but I'm not afraid Mac's going to change her mind about us, if that's what you're asking. And - no disrespect intended but I'm tired of you second-guessing her - and us. You don't know anything about us. I get that you're protective of her and I understand but I also know that at this point there's nothing I can say that will convince you that she and I are on solid ground. We _are_. You're just going to have to wait and see for yourself.'

Lord McHale puts down his fork and studies Will. He opens his mouth to speak, thinks better of it, closes it and seems to come to a decision. When he opens it again, it's to challenge Will. 'Why do you want her, William? After everything she's done to you, why?'

Will looks at him incredulously: surely her own _father _understands how special MacKenzie is. A second later he realizes Lord McHale is just goading him but he's too pissed to care and he's grateful the hubbub in the room will conceal what he's about to say.

'What she's _done_ to me? I'll tell you what she's done to me,' he says heatedly. 'She's made me a better man. She's given my life meaning - personally and professionally. She's shown me that what we do, if we do it well, has the potential to effect positive change in the world and that's an opportunity that shouldn't be squandered. You know what else she does? If you're lucky enough to get one minute with her you feel like the sun's shining down on you, warming you from the inside out. You feel like anything is possible because with MacKenzie anything _is_ possible. _That's_ what she's done to me.' He's blinking back tears now, embarrassed, but when he looks around, no one in the crowd seems to have noticed his outburst. Lonny, on the other hand, is smirking, but it's with obvious affection_. _

Lord McHale looks at Will. 'I can see that you care for MacKenzie deeply, William, but what's going to stop you from falling into old habits?'

'I don't think that will be an issue but I've got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon and I'm not going to leave his office until I have some tools to help keep me in line.'

Lord McHale reaches across the table and offers Will his hand. 'Very well. You've made your case and you and MacKenzie have my support. Welcome to the family, Son.'

'Thank you.'

* * *

MacKenzie and Will are sitting on the couch in her apartment, having dispatched her parents to a Broadway show. It's her fifth night home and Lonny's just dropped Will off. He usually waits in the car downstairs, but tonight Will gives him some money and orders him to see a movie. Having Lonny wait for him while Will goes about his business him makes Will feel guilty so he's relieved when Lonny agrees.

'The doctor says I can be on my own, get back into my normal routine, in nine days,' MacKenzie says, not looking at Will. She takes a deep breath and takes the plunge. 'I've been thinking – maybe you and I shouldn't see each other until then.'

'What? Why? What did I do?'

'Nothing! You didn't do anything!' she says, horrified. 'Oh, Will - that didn't come out right – forget I said anything.'

'I can't. Tell me.'

'It's – it's – it's embarrassing,' she allows, and looks up at him, hoping he can read her mind. Unfortunately, she's not getting lucky tonight. Which is precisely the problem.

'What's embarrassing?'

'It's just – I look forward to seeing you all day and then when you finally get here I'm just so distracted – '

'Why?'

'Because we're together now and that means you're mine but I can't actually do anything that I want to do with you and I can't think of anything else when you're here. Haven't you noticed that I barely listen when you talk?'

'There's nothing unusual about that, Mac. What exactly are we talking about?'

She sighs and looks at him. She doesn't know why she's so embarrassed around him. He's seen every part of her, touched every part of her but for some reason she's afraid he'll think she's wanton. _Where did that word even come from?_ Jesus.

'I _want_ you, Billy. I want to feel your arms around me, your mouth on me – all over - and no matter what we're talking about it's all I can think about – even now and it's so frustrating because I can't do anything about it!'

'You're … _frustrated_. I see,' he smirks.

'And you're not!?'

'Oh, no - I _am_. But I'm used to being frustrated around you – I've had a perpetual hard-on since the first moment I met you.

'Luckily you've had Nina Howard to help you out in recent months,' she says petulantly.

'_Mac_,' he says, cupping her cheek_._ He leans in and kisses her on the lips. 'For conversation's sake, what would you like to do? If you could, I mean.'

'Everything. I want to do _everything_ with you. And _to_ you.'

'Can you be more specific?' he says, nibbling on her lower lip.

'That is not helping, Will,' she whines.

'Come on – tell me. You know what they say – talking things out is supposed to make you feel better,' he teases.

'I'm done talking. I want to _feel_.'

'Like this?' He brushes his fingers across her chest, feeling her nipples harden as she inhales sharply.

'Yes,' she says breathlessly.

'Tell me,' he whispers into her ear. 'What do you want me to do to you?' His breath is hot against her neck and she shivers involuntarily.

'Listen, you tease, I don't want _you_ to do anything. _I_ want to fuck you.' She can see his pupils dilate and she leans in to give him a soft, slow kiss. _Now who's in charge?_ 'I want to ride your cock until you're begging for mercy. I want to hear your breath hitch the way it does right before you come and then I want to hear you scream my name as you empty your balls in my belly.'

Now it's his turn to gasp and in a second he's off the couch and scooping her into his arms.

'What are you doing?'

'I know we haven't been together in a while but I _know _I can get you off before your parents get back.'

She giggles as he carries her to the bedroom and lays her gently on the bed, unbuttons her pajama top and takes a moment to stop and admire her full, beautiful breasts. _God, she's a knockout. _

He leans down to take a nipple in his mouth, sucking it gently. She starts to moan and then he's kissing his way down her side, making her shiver with need. 'Please, Billy,' she pleads. 'Don't tease me. I need you.' He slips her panties down her legs and tosses them on the floor. He kneels between her legs and spreads her open like a flower, breathing in the scent of her arousal. He licks her from bottom to top, feeling the nub of her clit with the tip of his tongue. It's inflamed and hard and she tastes wonderful and he licks either side of it, wanting to bring her to a fevered pitch. She's bucking her pelvis into his face so he places his hands on both hips to hold her still so he can draw her clit into his mouth. He suckles gently, using all the tricks he remembers from when they were together but she slaps his hands away so she can buck into his face, crying out as he takes her higher and higher. He places a finger at her opening and slowly inserts it and she is so, so wet. He crooks his finger and taps it in the spot that used to drive her mad and her breathing grows ragged and she's raising her hips and bucking into his face because she can't help it – her body has a mind of its own. She has no idea how he can keep up the steady pressure with her moving around like that but he can and he does – he's always been so good at this and evidently time hasn't dulled his prowess. It feels so good, so right – it's absolute perfection. She can feel the heat coiling low in her belly and when he takes her over the edge she screams his name and grinds her hips into his face. He raises his head to look at her, grinning, and she splays her legs wide apart. 'Wipe that look off your face, McAvoy and get in me,' she says breathlessly, her heart hammering in her chest and sweat beading on her forehead.

His cock is straining against his pants, aching for release. 'Mac – we can't – I don't want to hurt you – '

'You won't hurt me. Can you do it standing up? I want to be on top but it's safer if I'm lying down.' She sits up a bit, and reaches out for the button on his pants.

'Mac – are you sure?'

'Yes. I need you. Please.'

He undoes his pants and they pool around his ankles on the floor. He jerks his boxers down and there he is, just like she remembers. 'Oh, Billy. You're so beautiful. Can I taste you?'

He gets on the bed beside her and she turns her face so she can lick the tip. She gently nurses it, taking it in, swirling her tongue around it as he starts to moan, and she opens her mouth wide so she can take him in entirely. He positions himself above her and he fucks her face with shallow strokes, moaning, his eyes tightly shut. 'Oh God, Mac – so good – so good, honey, but I'm too close.' He stops and pulls out and stands at the edge of the bed. He raises her ass on two pillows and moves between her legs again. He lifts them onto his shoulders and positions himself at her entrance.

'Do you want me to use a condom?' he says, hoping she doesn't because more than anything else he just wants to _feel _her.

'No,' she looks at him, her eyes glittering. 'I don't want anything between us.'

The tears prick at his eyes and they stare at each other as he slowly pushes himself in, revelling in the feeling of her tight walls around him. It's like coming home. This is where he belongs, has always belonged. He stops, letting her get used to him again, before starting to move. She never takes his eyes off his face and as she watches him move, feels him inside her, she feels utterly complete. This is her man, and he belongs to her – they belong to each other and whatever other shit is going on, this is _right_. He flicks her clit as he moves and the connection between them, the way their eyes never leave each other's face, makes everything that much more intense. She has always loved to see his pleasure, and she sees it now, his mouth twisting as he whimpers her name, tells her over and over again how much he loves her. She can tell he is close – as close as she is and soon the look in his eyes sends her over the edge again and she's moaning his name, crying out for him as he gives one final thrust and empties himself within her, bellowing her name. He pulls out and collapses beside her, murmuring into her ear. It hurts not having him inside her so she burrows closer to him, listening to his breathing as he comes down.

'Are you okay?' he asks.

'God, yes. You?'

'Perfect,' he says, closing his eyes and burying his nose in her hair. They lie there holding each other, lost in their own thoughts. He's thinking he can't remember when he's ever been this happy – he feels giddy and wide open and at peace and in love and lucky and he loves her so damned much it hurts. If he were a goddamned cat he'd be purring. It's been a few minutes and she's quiet so he opens his eyes to look at her and she's smiling, eyes half-closed.

'What are you thinking?' he asks.

She waits a beat and then turns her head to face him, 'You want the explicit version or the PG version?'

'After what we just did I think I can handle the explicit version.'

'Okay, then. Don't say I didn't warn you.' She exhales softly, luxuriating in feeling him curled up next to her. 'It's all very primal, Billy.'

She smiles and brushes her finger across his cheek. 'I was thinking about how wonderful it felt to watch you come. Do you know how beautiful you are when you come? You were in so deep I think I actually felt you flooding my womb.'

His eyes open wide and he swallows. He definitely likes the sound of this.

'Go on,' he says.

'I loved the way you screamed my name because it made me feel like you own me, like you were _branding_ me, like you were warning every other male in the vicinity that I belong to you. I loved it because you're my man and I'm your woman and we _mated_ - like every other creature has for the last 4 billion years. We're part of this vast continuum, fulfilling our biological imperative. We fuck, we come, we bond because that's how nature wants it. We're just animals, Will, and I can't tell you how much that turns me on. And now I can feel your come leaking out which means it wasn't a dream. You're actually here and it feels so good knowing your come is soaking into me because it means you gave me everything you had and it's warm and wonderful and absolutely perfect.'

'Jesus, Mac. You're making me hard again.'

'Am I?' she says, leaning forward to kiss his lips. When they break apart he nuzzles her ear and reaches for her clit.

'What are you doing?'

'Orgasm helps you soak up the sperm, right?'

'So they say,' she says, shuddering. He expertly manipulates her clit and within minutes she's crying out his name again, humping hard against his hand. It's an explosive orgasm, coming deep from within, surprising in its intensity. She thinks she must be ovulating because she's never felt this horny in her life. She needs him inside her again so she reaches down to cup his balls and stroke her fingers down his length.

'Again,' she says, nudging him to make him stand between her legs. He slides in easily and the thought of planting his baby in her belly makes him hornier than he's ever felt. He stares at her breasts, imagines them swollen with milk for his child. He needs to kiss her so he carefully leans forward and supports himself with his arms. He thrusts his tongue in her mouth and she moans as he drives himself into her brutally. Her helpless moans of pleasure drive him towards climax and when he finally comes she whimpers in pain because he's rammed himself up against her cervix and it hurts but at the same time it feels so, so_ good_. He holds himself deeply within her as his cock twitches and spills into her. _There. There. _He pulls out and lies gently by her side. She whimpers at the loss so she burrows herself deeply into him.

'Did I hurt you?' he asks, concerned.

'A little, but I loved it – you were in so deep, Will. Deeper than anything has ever been. It was marvelous. Exactly as it should be.' She snuggles into him and yawns. 'Will you stay the night?'

'You want me to?'

'Yes. I want to hold you.'

'Okay, I'll text Lonny and ask him to pick me up here tomorrow morning.'

He grabs his Blackberry, sends a quick text and pulls the comforter over them. They drift off into a peaceful sleep, limbs tangled in one another's.

In the morning he awakens to MacKenzie's hand on his cock. He looks at the clock and sees it's 6:30. 'Good morning, Billy,' she says, stroking him up and down. 'I think we have time for one more round before breakfast. Are you up for it?'

'No, Mac,' he says, gently moving her hand away. 'It's not that I don't want to. I do – it's just that I'm loud with you – no matter how hard I try to control it – I can't - I feel too much. How about if we send your parents out again tonight?'

'Okay,' she says, disappointed.

'I can get you off, though.'

'No, I can wait for tonight.' she says. 'I want us to come together.'

He pulls her close and buries his face in her hair, trying to figure out how the hell he's going to make it through the next 15 hours.


	16. Chapter 16

They lay there for a while, not talking. Rejection isn't quite the right word to describe the aching feeling low in her belly but it's close. She knows she's being irrational, that her parents are less than 20 feet away, that Will is fucking _loud _when he comes but she wants him anyway because last night was magical and surreal and beautiful and he's in her bed, mere inches away from her, and she just wants to close that distance and be one with him. But he shut her down and she's determined to shake it off so she gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom. He knows she's upset and can feel the distance between them so soon he's out of bed too, trailing along behind her, stopping just outside the bathroom door.

He knocks softly and she bids him entrance. She's standing there, naked, and he can't help staring because the sight of her literally takes his breath away. MacKenzie has always hated harsh, fluorescent lighting in the bathroom (that's reserved for the tiny dressing table in her bedroom where she applies her makeup) and the sconces on the wall emit a soft, incandescent glow that illuminates the soft planes of her body: her breasts, with their perfect pink nipples, so full and heavy last night in his hands, the bit of surgical tape concealing her wound, her flat stomach, the downy thatch of pubic hair that was spread wide open for him last night when he lapped at her clit_. _It's the first time he's seen her, really seen her in years. His cock is hard and he wants nothing more than to bury it in her, to claim her irrevocably as his own, to feel her breaking apart around him as she moans his name in his ear. And so, without saying a word, he steps forward and kisses her. His tongue parts her lips but before she can deepen the kiss he pulls back, reaches for her hand and leads her into the shower. He's going to fuck her, to give her what she needs because he needs it too, to close the distance between them and if he wakes her parents or her neighbors in the process, tough shit.

The warm water is cascading between their bodies as he backs her up against the wall, grabs her ass cheeks in both hands and lifts her easily. She can't weigh more than a hundred pounds and she _is_ soaking wet so he makes a mental note to make sure she starts eating more. Instantly her beautiful long legs are coiled like a snake around his hips and he supports her with one hand as he guides his cock into her with the other. She sighs with utter relief and contentment and reaches down to manipulate her clit as he slowly, slowly starts to piston into her. He looks down to where they're joined and then up into her eyes and the connection between them is nothing short of ecstatic. _He loves her. He loves her. _She places both hands on his shoulders and rocks her hips forward with roiling, hard, deliberate motions: they're rutting now and she meets him thrust for thrust and her mouth is a helpless 'o' of astonished pleasure and he fucks harder, faster and she can't stop staring into his eyes because he's so _beautiful _when he's fucking her, the way he bares his teeth in unalloyed pleasure, the way he stares at her, a little desperate, as if she's everything to him, as if nothing in the world matters to him as much as she does. She feels so much for this man that her heart - or whatever fucking chemical reaction it is – feels like it's literally overflowing. She has never felt for another human being what she feels for him - it's as if they're joined at the soul and all the walls have been broken down between them and she needs him so damned much it terrifies her. His eyes never leave her face and they're shining with love for _her _as he drives into her and he leans in to kiss her as she slides one hand down his back, the water streaming in rivulets between her fingers. He pulls back to look at her and they lock eyes and he's making this intricate wheeling motion with his hips and looking at her with such devotion that soon she's catapulted over the edge and sobbing into her other hand as he feels her break apart around him. He's right behind her and it kind of sneaks up on him so his cries are a little louder than he intends and she brings her hand down from her face and he smashes his lips against her open mouth and sobs her name, forcing himself into her as deeply as he can. She clings to him, heart hammering in her chest and the tears are her eyes because she doesn't think she could survive if she lost him again – not after this – not after the exquisite pleasure of loving and being loved by him again.

'I love you,' she chokes out but the word 'love' seems woefully inadequate when what she feels is so much more, so she says it over and over again, like an incantation, hoping to imprint upon his psyche that what she feels for him is bone-deep – immeasurable and without end. He's still inside her and as he holds her, rocking her gently, the tears prick at his own eyes because whatever this is between them is rare and beautiful and in that moment he promises himself he'll dedicate the rest of his life to keeping it safe.

'I love you too, Kenz,' he says hoarsely, voice heavy with emotion. 'Always and forever.' And it's true. He has never loved anyone as much as he loves MacKenzie McHale, has never needed anyone as much as he needs MacKenzie McHale, and the world has righted itself and the distance between them is gone. He withdraws from her, sets her gently on her feet and they bathe each other, stopping every few moments to kiss and stroke one another.

They hold hands as they leave the shower and he towels her off and blow-dries her hair. They're both starving so she throws on a robe, opens her door a crack and peeks out to see that the lights are still out which means her parents are still in bed. It's just after seven so she sneaks out, grabs four of the muffins she was compelled to make out of sheer boredom yesterday afternoon, two bananas and two cups of coffee (thank God she had the presence of mind to program the machine the night before). She carries them in on a serving tray and Will is lying in bed but jumps up as soon as she walks in.

'Let me get that, Kenz. You shouldn't be carrying things.'

'You've been doing all the heavy lifting, Will. It's the least I can do. Besides, I'm fine.'

She sits down, leaning against him and tears a piece of muffin off and holds it to his lips. 'Careful,' she says. 'I made these so you'd better say they're delicious.'

'You made them?' He takes a bite and they're actually pretty good. 'They _are_ delicious,' he says appreciatively, only half-smirking. ''Course that may just be because I'm starving.'

'Very funny,' she says, tearing another piece of muffin off. He peels a banana and tries to feed a bit of it to her but she pushes his hand away.

'No, Will,' she says seriously. 'Let _me_ love _you_.'

'Okay, but can you tear off bigger bites? I'm starving.'

'Here you go,' she says, popping a huge chunk into his mouth.

She's about to feed him a piece of banana but he stills her hands and brings a piece of muffin up to her lips. 'I'm not having any more until you do, MacKenzie. You're beautiful but you don't eat enough.'

She allows him to place it in her mouth and she begins to chew, his hand idly stroking her hair. They feed each other until all the food is gone and then he leans back, opens his arm so she can cuddle next to him. He hands her a cup of coffee and they sit there, sipping it, not saying anything, until most of it is gone.

She can feel his eyes on her so she turns her head to look at him.

'What?' She asks.

'I was just thinking…can we get married sooner rather than later?'

'Why do you ask?'

'Because I want to sleep with you every night and wake up with you every morning and I want that to be a given – not something we have to plan.'

'I see,' she smiles. 'When did you have in mind?'

'I don't know – tomorrow?'

'Are you serious?'

'Oh – never mind,' he backpedals immediately, mentally kicking himself. 'I shouldn't have asked – you probably want a proper wedding – not one at City Hall. Forget I said anything.'

'Billy, I don't care about that. Doesn't it take a few weeks to get a marriage license?'

'24 hours – it takes 24 hours from the time the license is issued. So if we got it this morning, before I go to the office, we could be married tomorrow.'

Her eyes glitter with excitement.

'Really?'

'Yes, but – Christ I'm rushing you again, aren't I? I'm sorry – Jesus – forget I said anything. We'll do it whenever you want. Fuck, you're barely out of the hospital and here I am trying to rush you down the aisle.'

She stops him with a kiss. 'You're not rushing me, Billy. There's nothing I want more than to be your wife.'

His _wife_. She wants to be his _wife_. And he gets to be her _husband_.

'Really?'

'Really,' she says and seals it with another kiss.

'Do you want to think about it for a few days? You know, take your time?'

'They probably open at 8, so if you call Lonny right now we should be able to be there by the time they open.'

He stares at her, momentarily stunned. When he put it out there he didn't actually think she'd say '_yes'_, but now that she has he's overwhelmed with excitement.

'Really?'

'What kind of ID do we need?'

'Birth certificate and driver's license. Do you have your birth certificate here?'

'Yes, it's in the safe. Where's yours? Do you have to go home to get it?'

'No….' he says sheepishly. 'I've got it with me.'

She bursts out laughing. 'Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you, McAvoy?'

'Not sure – just…hopeful.'

'Okay, I'll get my birth certificate, you call Lonny and I'll leave a note for Mum and Dad. Wait – aren't you worried about the publicity? People will recognize you…' she says doubtfully.

'We need to apply in person and I don't give two fucks who recognizes me.'

'Will – what about a prenup? Your lawyer is going to have your head.'

'Are you planning to divorce me?'

'No.'

'Then I don't need a prenup,' he says firmly.

He gazes at her adoringly and she gives him that crooked smile that makes his heart leap. He's going to spend the rest of his life with her, and he can't help but grin.


	17. Chapter 17

Two hours later, they're back at her apartment and standing outside the door, marriage license in hand. Lonny's already scoped out the hallway and is back downstairs waiting for Will. MacKenzie has vetoed the idea of getting her own bodyguard and Will's decided he won't force the issue until after they're married; he just hopes she sees reason because once word gets out that she's his wife, a target will be painted on her back too. But no matter what she says, he intends to do everything within his power to protect her – with or without her consent.

'Want me to help you break the news to your parents?' Will offers, his fingers intertwined with hers.

'No, you need to get to work,' she says, kissing him. 'And don't even think about putting that story we talked about this morning into the rundown,' she orders him, punctuating the command with another kiss. 'I'll be watching you tonight, Will, and believe me - you _don't _want to make your wife angry.'

'But you're not my wife yet,' he says, nipping at her lower lip. 'I think I can handle my fiancée.' His breath is hot against her mouth and it takes every ounce of willpower she has not to drag him behind the potted ficus tree in the corner and have her way with him. He's fucking gorgeous, and never more so than when he's teasing her with those sparkling eyes and mischievous grin.

'Don't bet on it,' she counters, putting the palm of her hand flat against his chest and pushing him away. He stumbles backward a little until she reaches out and steadies him with her forearms. She's six inches away from him and the pull he feels toward her is so strong he finds himself leaning in to her again, dipping his head down to nuzzle her ear. 'Okay,' he whispers, giving in. 'You're the boss.'

'Damned right,' she says. He forces himself to step back but she cups his face with her hand and stands on tip-toe to apply a soft kiss to his lips. He groans, grabs her by the hips and presses both their pelvises together. His erection is hard against her.

'God, Mac,' he moans, rubbing their bodies together. 'I can't wait 'til you're back in my bed, back in my ear.'

'Just a little longer, Billy,' she soothes. 'In the meantime you should go – our team needs you.'

'OK,' he sighs, reluctantly pulling away. 'I'll see you tonight.'

He kisses her chastely on the cheek and turns to go but she stops him.

'I thought we agreed – it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before their wedding day.'

'I was hoping you'd forgotten. Fine. I'll see you tomorrow at 1:00 sharp. Don't be late, Mrs. McAvoy.'

'Wait –' she says, putting her hand on his arm. 'You're going to call me tonight, right? I didn't say we couldn't talk on the phone. Call me after the show?'

'Okay. I love you,' he says, leaning down to steal another kiss because - fuck – she's right there and apparently he's powerless against her. 'Don't forget.'

'I won't. You either.'

Will goes downstairs to meet Lonny, and MacKenzie lets herself into her apartment. She's practically floating on air and smiles happily when she sees her parents looking at her from the breakfast table. She's enjoyed having them around and she'll miss them when they go back home.

'Well? Did you run your errand?' Lord McHale says.

'Yes,' she says happily, surveying the homey scene. Newspapers are spread all over the table, along with a pot of tea and remnants of toast and bacon.

'Did you eat?' Lady McHale asks with concern, well aware of her daughter's tendency to neglect herself. 'Did you take your medication? How are you feeling?'

'Yes, yes, and wonderful, thank you.'

'You're certainly chipper this morning,' Lord McHale remarks. 'Did William get off to work this morning?'

'Yes – he just left. How was the show last night?'

'We enjoyed it. Please thank William for the tickets.' Lord McHale nods toward the paper in MacKenzie's hand. 'What's that you're holding?'

She waits a beat before saying casually, 'A marriage license. Will and I are getting married tomorrow at 1:00.'

Lord McHale chokes on his tea. The look on his face is sheer horror.

'You're getting_ what?_'

'Married, Dad. _Married. _'

'MacKenzie!' Lady McHale says in a tone her daughter hasn't heard since she was a little girl. 'How can you possibly think of getting married tomorrow?! Your brother won't be able to make it by then…no one from our side of the family will be able to attend… What will you _wear_?!'

Ignoring her, MacKenzie says to the pair of them, 'Are you two free at that time? I was going to call you to make sure but we didn't want to lose the spot - we were only able to get it because somebody else cancelled.' Turning to her mother she says, 'Mum, we can do something for our side of the family later.'

'You're getting married _tomorrow_? Lord McHale repeats incredulously. 'What's the _hurry_?' He suspects he won't like the answer.

'We want to be married,' she says, as if that explains everything.

'Don't you think this is a little sudden?'

'Dad, Will and I have known each other for nearly seven years. It's hardly 'sudden'.'

'Yes, and you were apart for most of that time. What's gotten into you, MacKenzie? You can be impulsive at times but this is insane!'

'There's nothing insane about it. I've been in love with Will for years and we're getting married. We're just doing it sooner rather than later.'

'What about a pre-nup?' Lord McHale counters, hoping it's not obvious that he's grasping at straws. 'Surely Will wants you to sign one.'

'No,' MacKenzie says, shaking her head. 'He doesn't - we talked about it.'

'I'm sure his attorney will have something to say about _that_.' Trying another tack, he says, 'What about you, MacKenzie? Don't you want him to sign one? You have your own assets.'

'I'm not planning on getting divorced, Dad, so no, I don't want him to sign one.'

'No one _plans_ on getting divorced, MacKenzie!' her father says, exasperated.

Now it's her mother's turn to chime in. 'And you know what they say, dear: 'Marry in haste, repent in leisure.''

MacKenzie groans and loops one arm around her mother's shoulder and the other around her father's.

'Mum, Dad,' she says, firmly. '_Please. stop. worrying_. The wedding's happening, so get used to it.' She unhooks her arms and heads for the telephone.

'I have to call Sloan and pick out my dress. And flowers. We need a bouquet for tomorrow. And rings,' she says, yawning. 'But I'm a little tired - maybe we can go out this afternoon after I have a nap? Or maybe Sloan can pick them out…'

'You're going to let someone else pick out your flowers and wedding rings?' Lady McHale asks incredulously.

'We'll just get plain platinum bands. They're easy enough to pick out - Will just needs to measure his finger. And for the flowers, Sloan can just get whatever they have on display.'

'MacKenzie Morgan McHale, I don't understand you,' her mother says, shaking her head.

'You never have, Mum,' MacKenzie says archly. 'Thought you'd be used to it by now.'

'But how can you let someone else pick out your wedding rings?' her mother asks again.

'They're just _rings_, Mum. We only need them to get through the ceremony. Sloan can get them out of a Cracker Jack box for all I care. I don't care about things like that – you know that.'

'Fine,' her mother says, defeated. 'What dress will you wear?'

'I have a cream-colored cocktail dress with a flared skirt. Maybe that one.' She yawns again. 'After I call Sloan I think I'm going to lie down, Mum.'

She dials Sloan's number, makes the arrangements (Sloan is way more excited about being maid of honor than MacKenzie would have imagined) and heads off to take her nap.

'I don't know about that girl,' her mother said, watching her go.

'You should,' Lord McHale huffs. 'She takes after _your _side of the family.'

* * *

It's 3:45 and Will is starving. He, Sloan and Jim have been working non-stop on a breaking story but he can no longer ignore his gnawing hunger. Neither can Jim or Sloan because Will's stomach is rumbling and it's _loud_.

'When was the last time you ate?' Sloan says accusingly, as if he's doing it on purpose.

'This morning,' Will says.

'Before or after you went to City Hall?'

'Before.'

'Then go get something to eat and be back here in 30 minutes. Jim and I can take it from here,' Sloan commands.

'Who put you in charge?'

'I'm just doing what MacKenzie would do. Now _go_.'

He's surprised at how well Jim's taken the news of their impending nuptials. The whole newsroom was excited when he'd made the announcement, though they were disappointed they wouldn't be able to attend; he'd promised they'd have a big party later.

He's just heading upstairs when his phone vibrates. _Nina._

He presses the elevator call button and answers the call.

'Hey,' he says.

'Hey,' Nina responds.

'How are you?' he asks.

'Fine – listen, I have some things of yours and I wanted to return your key. I'm in the building so can I come by now?'

'I'm just heading upstairs to get some lunch. Want to meet me there?'

'Sure. See you in a few minutes.'

'Okay,' he says, and clicks off. He steps out of the elevator, sits at his usual table and the waiter asks him if he wants the usual - club sandwich with extra mayo and a Caesar salad. He says 'yes' to the sandwich and asks for fries instead of salad. He guesses he won't be able to eat this way once he's married so he figures he'd better enjoy it while he can. _Married._ He's getting _married_. To _MacKenzie_. Just the thought of her, of the evening and morning they'd shared makes him smile. In fact he can't seem to stop smiling, which frankly made for a few fucking awkward moments with Sloan and Jim earlier when they'd been working on a decidedly unhappy story. He just can't help it.

Nina arrives and catches him smiling to himself.

'What's made you so happy, Will?'

''Oh, hi,' he says quickly, getting up and pulling out a chair for her. 'Nothing - how are you?'

'You already asked me that,' she says, refraining from her usual greeting (for obvious reasons). 'I'm fine. You?'

'Good, good.' He says. He nods towards the gym bag she's carrying. 'Thanks for bringing that.'

'Good thing you left your bag at my apartment. Makes it easier to make the exchange.'

'I did pack a bag for you but it's not here. I'll bring it tomorrow….er – not tomorrow,' he says, remembering the wedding. 'Maybe next week – is that okay?'

'Sure.' She studies his expression and is annoyed to find he looks more relaxed than she's ever seen him. Still, she's evolved so she does the mature thing and addresses the elephant in the room. 'How's MacKenzie?'

'She's good. On the mend. Listen, Nina – I just wanted to say I'm sorry – you didn't deserve that and…'

Nina held up a hand. 'Don't. Apologizing may make you feel better but it makes me feel like shit. There's nothing you can say, so save it. Besides, I'm over it,' she lied.

'Really?'

'I knew you were still in love with her. I should have listened to my head instead of my hormones.'

'I'm sorry – '

'What did I just tell you?'

'Sorry – about saying I'm sorry, not –'

'_Will_.'

'Okay. How's work?'

'Interesting.' She sits back, runs her finger over the lip of her water glass and looks at him conspiratorially. 'A little birdie told me they saw you applying for a marriage license this morning.'

'Jesus,' he says, choking on a French fry. 'Do you have moles all over this city?'

'You're a public figure, Will. Besides, we pay a lot of money for tips. When's the wedding?'

He shakes his head. 'Didn't your mole tell you?'

'They couldn't get close enough to see the paperwork.'

'Is this on or off the record?'

'So you _have_ set a date?'

'What are you planning to do with this information, Nina?'

'I haven't decided. My boss wants me to run with it – '_Will McAvoy marries EP who took a bullet for him_' – something like that - but I'm not sure. What do you want me to do?'

Will sighs. 'Honestly, you should do whatever you want. People are going to find out sooner or later.'

'OK, we'll go with it. When's the wedding?'

'I'm not going to help you crucify me in the press, Nina.'

'_Will McAvoy compares marrying his EP to being crucified_.'

'Nina – '

'Off the record, Will. I'm asking you off the record. When's the wedding?' her voice cracks and he knows she's more affected than she likes to let on.

'Look, I changed my mind - please don't report it yet – at least wait until you have a second source.' For a moment, Nina's heart stops. _He's changed his mind? _It starts beating again reluctantly when she realizes he's talking about putting it in the papers.

'Mac's gonna be a target as soon as word gets out that we're married and I need to make sure her bodyguard is in place. The guy should be there by the time the ceremony's over tomorrow but we need to be cautious just in case.'

'Tomorrow,' she repeats, stunned. 'You're getting married tomorrow.' She slumps back in her chair. 'That was fast.'

'Nina – I'm sorry.'

'_Don't_,' she hisses. 'You were still in love with her, Will, so why were you with me? Why did you even bother?'

'I was with you because I care about you. You're funny and clever and beautiful and I like you –_ a lot_ - but you deserve someone who can go all in with you and that was never going to be me. I didn't realize that until Mac got shot, but it's true.'

'You're saying you didn't know you were still in love with her.'

'This is about the fifteenth time I've had this conversation in the last three weeks, but yes, that's what I'm saying. I didn't want to know.'

'You're pathetic,' she huffs.

'I know,' he agrees.

* * *

In the end, it's MacKenzie and her parents who pick out the rings. She knows the team is working furiously on a breaking news story so she lets Sloan off the hook and heads to Tiffany herself. It doesn't take long (Will has conveniently measured his finger using a strip of paper and instructions he found online) to settle on a pair of platinum bands that will match the enormous engagement ring he put on her finger. As soon as she realizes they're only a few blocks from AWM she convinces her parents to stop by. It's about four o'clock and technically not evening yet – surely seeing him now wouldn't be bad luck. Besides, she misses him.

The staff greets her with hugs and cheers and she's happy to see them because she's missed them all. They gasp at the size of the ring on her finger and she smiles at the obvious pleasure they take in her and Will's impending nuptials. Jim envelops her in a tight hug, careful of her wound, and then shows her the rundown. She gives her approval and she can see he's running a tight ship. Even so, he admits he's more than ready to hand off control to her when she comes back next week and she knows it's in large part because he doesn't know how to handle Will. Her parents are a little bit in awe of their daughter, of the respect she has obviously garnered from her co-workers. Jim and the rest of the team are clearly relieved to have her back in their midst, and they pepper her with questions MacKenzie fields easily. Her parents have rarely seen her in action professionally, and they can't help but be proud of the way she takes charge.

She wonders why Will hasn't come out to greet her so she looks in his office only to see he isn't there. Maggie says he told her he was heading upstairs for a late lunch. It's been a little over six hours since she's seen him but it feels like ages. She figures he must be meeting with Charlie and she knows _he_ won't mind if she pulls Will away for a kiss.

She's about to drag her parents to the elevator when Jack walks through the doorway. Her smile falters a little but he greets her with a warm hug and MacKenzie introduces him to her parents. They haven't spoken since he came to see her in the hospital. He'd only been there a few minutes when she'd had to go have an x-ray, so they'd agreed to defer their chat until she was back to work. She wasn't yet, technically, but she decides now is as good a time as any to get this over with. She wants to start fresh when she gets back to work, with everything out of the way.

'Jack, do you have a minute?' she says.

He looks at her carefully. 'Sure.'

'Mum, Dad, can you wait in Will's office? I'll just be a minute.'

'Sure.'

She leads Jack into her office and closes the door behind them.

'Jack, I just want to say I'm sorry –'

'MacKenzie, please - don't apologize. I wish you'd been a little more honest about your feelings for Will but I think I understand: you thought you'd never have a chance with him again so you were trying to move on, even though your heart wasn't in it.'

She nods. That's fair. She doesn't try to defend herself because she can't.

'Look, I get it. I'm just glad I found out before it went any further.' He glances at the ring on her finger. 'So, I take it everything worked out.'

She nods again.

'Have you set a date?'

'Yes – tomorrow,' she says, blushing.

He raises his eyebrows, and then gives her an easy smile. 'I hope you and Will will be very happy together, MacKenzie. He's obviously crazy about you.'

She laughs and nods.

'Not that I'm fishing or anything,' Jack says, slightly embarrassed. Still, he'd like to know if they ever would have stood a chance. 'But for conversation's sake, if I'd met you before Will…do you think we would have stood a chance?'

'Absolutely.' She smiles, considers her options and then decides to go for it. She wants everyone to be as happy as she and Will are. 'Have you ever thought about asking Sloan out? You two would be perfect for each other.'

'What makes you say that?'

'You're both fiercely intelligent, funny and a little bit goofy in the best possible way. I think you'd really complement each other.'

'I'll take that under consideration. You think she'd be interested?'

MacKenzie grins. 'Definitely.'

She takes Jack by the arm and leads him back into the bullpen.

She gathers her parents and leads them past the metal detectors to the elevator - she's anxious to get to Will. She presses the button for the restaurant floor and when the doors open she looks around the room. She spots Will at a table in the corner but instead of the warm, tingly feeling she usually gets when she sees her man across a crowded room, she's gripped with cold terror.

'Who's he having lunch with?' her mother asks. 'Do you want to go over there?'

'His girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Nina. The woman I told you about,' she says haltingly, tears pricking at her eyes.

Nina spots her first and obviously says something because suddenly Will looks MacKenzie's way. He doesn't grin exactly (out of deference to Nina) but his expression softens and the look on his face is pure, sappy, giddy joy. Nina doesn't miss it but MacKenzie does because all she can think about is the fact that he's sitting at a table with Nina Howard. _What the fuck? _

And then Will's out of his chair, striding towards her.

'Hey, Sweetheart,' he says, grinning, and it's a smile that lights up his whole face – nothing like the bitter, joyless ones he's thrown her way over the last 15 months.

'Maggie said you were having lunch – I – we – didn't mean to interrupt. I'll leave you to it,' she says and turns away and starts walking quickly back toward the elevators.

'Mac – wait.' Will calls after her, running to catch up.

Lord McHale's eyes are shooting daggers at him and Lady McHale looks like she wants to strangle him. MacKenzie – he doesn't know what MacKenzie looks like because her back is to him and she won't look at him. _Shit._

'MacKenzie!' he calls, striding after her. He puts his hand on her shoulder but she shrugs him off.

'MacKenzie. _Please_. Listen to me. We're getting married tomorrow and –'

'Are we, Will? Then why the hell are you having lunch with your ex-girlfriend – or is it your _girlfriend_ now?' she hisses. Her parents are right beside them so they hear every word.

'Girlfriend? What are you talking - come here,' he says, hurrying her into a private room off the main dining area. Her parents are right behind her, in mama bear mode and the look on her father's face leaves no doubt that Will's on his shit list again. MacKenzie follows Will into the room because she doesn't want to make a scene and she's about to burst into tears.

'Look at me, Kenz. _Please._' His voice is pleading now so in spite of herself, she does as he asks. She can see the fear in his eyes but she matches it with a steely gaze of her own. He ignores it and starts to explain how he came to be sitting with Nina.

'Things got crazy this afternoon and I didn't have lunch and I was hungry and I was about to come up here when Nina called. She told me she was in the building and wanted to return the key I gave her to my apartment and some other things she had of mine. She asked if she could come by the office and I told her I'd be having lunch up here. She came up, gave me my things, asked me how you were and I told her we're getting married. I asked her to do what she could to call off the gossip hounds and that's when you came in.'

MacKenzie's silent, trying to figure out what to say.

'Kenz, we have to trust each other. We can't let misunderstandings come between us. We can't let _anything _come between us. You have to trust me, trust in _us_. And if there's a problem we have to let the other person know and give them a chance to fix it - not walk away.'

She nods and he's relieved when he sees the look in her eyes.

'I'm sorry, Billy – I just – I saw her - and – I – thought maybe you'd changed your mind.'

'Never. I could never change my mind about you. I love you – for life – and I'm not going to let anyone or anything come between us ever again.'

He pulls her in for a kiss and it's deep and soulful and he doesn't give a fuck that her parents are right there. Serves them right for their prying eyes.


End file.
